How do you talk about yourself? What do you see or believe about yourself? It's easy to get wrapped up in the "I'm falling short" categories. Honestly, I've been wallowing there a lot lately.
Mostly it's because I'm feeling the crunch of time. I feel like things are moving too quickly and I can't enjoy the parts that I want to. I spend so much time missing out on what I'm wanting to hang onto and slowly drowning in the parts that I wish would pass.
My wallowing is in the depths of parenting. Guys, it's hard. Navigating a world that seems almost completely foreign (as I'm sure my youth did to my parents), making the right choices, figuring out the right boundaries, it's tough. It makes you question E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
I try so hard to be there. I try so hard to be open and honest about the hard stuff, the things I don't know how to handle. I try to encourage and guide. I pray. God do I pray. I pray for protection for them. I pray that they love Jesus with all of their hearts. I pray for the friends they make. I pray for their futures. I pray, I pray a lot.
Somehow though, I still convince myself that I'm not doing it right. I'm not doing it good enough. I try to give more to them, not necessarily materially, but emotionally and with my time than I recall from when I was a kid. I try to do it better than what I had, because isn't that what we all want is for it to be better for our kids? I try to see them and soak them in because I want them to know that I value every single second I get to be with them.
I find myself walking a thin line of wanting them to have it all and yet not feel entitled. If I'm honest, I feel like they're clueless as to how good they have it. It's so much more than my husband and I ever dreamed of. And still I feel like I'm falling short.
I'm not a worrier by nature. I generally go by the Bible verse Matthew 6:34 about tomorrow taking care of itself. Lately though, I'm struggling. Watching your kids grow and try to navigate life's choices and their consequences makes it hard to not worry. Knowing that I'm struggling is even harder for me because it makes me feel like I'm failing. I'm trying hard to focus one the One that carries it all, and know that He'll carry me through, but I'm struggling. Which is making the wallowing even easier.
Friends I share this because I know I'm not alone. I know that some seasons are just plain hard for no other reason than just that, they're hard. I'm trying hard to give myself grace in this season. I'm trying hard to focus on what and who matters. I'm trying. And as I talk to myself, I'm trying really hard to remind myself that I am worthy of this beautiful chaotic life that I have and it's ok to have tough spots. I'm trying really hard to remind myself that I am exactly who these people need to be their mama and wife because even when I feel like I'm failing or falling short, I'm exactly who God knew they needed.
I'm learning to talk to myself like God does, with gentleness and grace. I'm finding growth in the journey and learning each day to find joy in the little things. I'll choose to see myself as my maker does and I'll give grace, love, and mercy to others and myself along the way. That's how we change our mindset and move forward.
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