They're just car seats. I know that. Yet what they represent is so much more.
You've been begging for months to move to a booster seat like your sister. I kept telling you that you weren't quite big enough when in reality, your are. I just couldn't let go. You two are my last ones. You're my last everything when it comes to milestones. I know this one seems silly, but the idea of transitioning you to "big girl" seats instantly causes a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. It's the last official piece of you being my babies and letting go of that piece is breaking this mama's heart.
The two of you came so fast after your sister that your baby stage (and her toddler stage) felt more like a game of survival than anything else. It's not really how I envisioned my last baby (or in the case babies) being. I didn't get to really enjoy the snuggles and the cute little baby things. Oh I noticed them, but I didn't get to cherish them. I was just trying to make it through them.
I looked forward to the next milestone because it meant that some weight was being lifted from my shoulders, however small. First it was graduating from nursing, bottles and formula to sippy cups. Then from diapers to big girl panties which meant not having to lug a diaper bag everywhere. They were small milestones, not noteworthy by most accounts, but I celebrated them because it lightened my load. But this one, this one I just can't.
I'm crying, sobbing actually, over a car seat. Maybe it's because I didn't get to celebrate the little milestones as achievements, but it was something I could check off my list. Perhaps it's because my heart is a little sad that I didn't get to enjoy every single second of you and soak in the pureness and joy that having a baby gives. Three kids in a little over a year plus an older sibling makes that hard.
There was and is so much joy and laughter that we've had because the three of you were so close. I stopped just surviving and started to enjoy being a mom to four beautiful girls. By the time I stopped just surviving though, you'd grown. It's not that I missed it, I was right there for every single step of it. It just fluttered by like a leaf in the wind before I could catch it, and now I can't get it back.
It's just a car seat, but it represents so much more. It's a milestone that this time I'm 110% aware of. It's something in your minds that you've been working (or growing) towards and I want so badly to be happy with you, and I am because I see how happy it makes you, but a big part of me is struggling. I'm struggling to let go of the fact that my babies are growing and I can't stop time to hold on a little longer.
I'm at a point now where not just surviving means that I see every single thing that I want to cling to a little clearer. You, my girls, are at the top. While I want to celebrate every single achievement and milestone with you unequivocally, it means my mama heart's gotta let go a little more each time.
So for you my sweet girls, I'll let go. I'll let go so you can fly. I'll let go because I know that I'll be proud of every new milestone you mark. I'll be there alongside of you to celebrate and cherish the stops along the road. I'll start by letting go of the car seat.
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