I Am With You (4/15/21)

When you feel like you can’t breathe.

When you’re lying in bed silently crying

When you’ve cried the prayers of “what’s wrong with me?”

When you’ve contemplated sending the kids elsewhere so you too could leave, even just for a day.

When the shame of those thoughts buries your soul.

When you’re trying to hold it together because you are the glue that holds it all together.

When your motto has been blessed and living that to the fullest.

Where do you go?

Who can you share this with? 

The fear of judgment and shaming is overwhelming.

The idea that somehow feeling like this makes you ungrateful for this beautiful life you’ve been given.

When you know how blessed you are and these feelings crept in out of nowhere.

This isn’t you, or any version of the you that you’ve ever known.

When you question everything that you’ve known and felt confident in.

When you wonder how to pull it back together.

When you know you have to put the parts back together because nobody else functions when you’re not on your A-game.

When you feel unseen.

When you feel unheard. 

When you feel it all, but you lack the words to speak and feel like there’s nowhere to turn.

Friend, I see you. 

I’ve been you.

I’ve never been one who’s struggled with anxiety or depression.

I’ve never questioned the path and the obstacles I faced.

I never felt alone . . . until I did.

I’ve felt like my world was crumbling. 

I’ve felt like I had nowhere to turn.

I’ve felt like nobody could understand the shame I felt . . . about what? The feeling that it was falling apart.

I’ve felt like I had to keep it all together for them, for the outward appearance to everyone who wasn’t inside the walls of our home.

I’ve laid in bed silently sobbing, wondering how to run away for a while and get it all back together.

I’ve wondered why nobody sees how hurt and broken I feel.

Nobody’s seen or asked because I’ve made a great effort to keep the outward look perfect.

Nobody in the house knows because I cry silent tears.

If I fail, we fail.

I feel ashamed because I know how blessed, blessed beyond measure I am. 

Friend, I know your pain. 

I know what it’s like to ask God to make it all better and feel like you’re not hearing the how in His answer.

I know how lonely all of it combined makes you feel.

Hear me now.

I am with you. 

I see you. 

You are not broken.

You are human.

A beautiful soul that was created for more than that lonely moment.

Keep crying out your prayers, He hears them.

Don’t keep the pain inside for the sake of others.

Your story is made to help others grow. 

Your story regardless of how many seemingly broken pieces is a beautiful story.

A story others will grow from.

A story you will grow from.

One day, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come.

You’ll see the gray and black moments made you appreciate the vibrant colors.

You’ll see the healing that took place in the moments of pain.

You’ll see that all along you were beautifully blessed, and you’re so much stronger because of it.

Having times of struggle doesn’t make us weak. 

It makes us cling.

Cling to the One who holds our lives.

Cling to the ones we love.

Cling to the parts of our life that are important and let go of the rest.

When it feels like it’s all falling apart, your story isn’t over. 

There is no shame in the struggle.

There is pride in the overcoming.

Friend, I am with you. I’ve been you. If you need an ear, I can be that person.

Please never feel like I did—that nobody will understand.

Please don’t feel like you will be judged.

Our story begins when we allow ourselves to heal.

Through our healing, others heal as well.

This is the rawest picture I’ve ever written about myself.

Let my pain and my healing be the beginning of yours.

Friend, I am with you, so is He.