What Could I Have Done 4/27/22

All deaths are tragic. Grieving any death takes time. But there's something about a person dying by suicide that makes it seem so much harsher. Maybe it's because all of the coulda, woulda, shoulda beens pile up. Maybe it's because we wonder if we could have done more. Maybe it's because it leaves us with so many questions that we can't ever have answers to.

I've pondered many times what could have changed the outcome of my father's death. Though I know that ultimately, it was his decision, it gives me pause to think how we could have prevented it from happening. Though I can't change the outcome of his story, I hope that his loss can make a difference in the lives of others.

We need to end the stigma associated with mental health. Men particularly struggle to reach out for help, they are about 14% less likely to receive mental health treatment. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 90% of people who die by suicide had shown signs of a mental illness (i.e. depression, anxiety, etc.). Something has to change.

My dad sort of lost his purpose when he retired. In life, work or not, people lose sight of who they are. It's our job to help remind them. We can help them find who they are again if we don't wait and just think "oh they'll be fine." These are things that I really truly think would have made a difference in my dad's life.

You know that person you loved to see at work but one of you moved on or retired? Call them. Text them. Check in on them. Let them know that you haven't forgotten them. Better yet, visit them or invite them over.

That person you randomly think "huh I wonder how they are?" Find out. Just a quick check in. Sometimes an out of the blue message is all you need to feel better.

Don't judge. If someone is brave enough to tell you they are struggling with something. Don't judge them or condemn them for their choices. Believe me, they know they've got a problem and it's eating them alive. Don't shrug it off and think they'll be ok or that they would never hurt themselves, odds are high that if they've shared the struggle, then the thought and/or plan is present.

Do NOT shut them out. There's a fine line between protecting yourself from being taken advantage of and of someone reaching out to you because they need you. They need to feel valued and loved. If someone tells you they are struggling, believe them and be there.

Help them find a purpose. Have a project you're working on? Ask them to help. If they are physically unable to, that's ok, ask them to come hang out while you work. Feeling alone and isolated is a major trigger with depression and suicide.

Know something that they enjoy? Invite them to do it with you. Buy tickets to a game, plan a Sunday junk food and football session. Are they great at sewing? Ask them to teach you the basics. Help them remember what they enjoy doing and find the joy in it.

Schedule a weekly or monthly date. If your schedule is always filling up, let them know that you want to set aside a specific day for them. A Tuesday morning coffee date. A Thursday lunch at a Mexican restaurant. It doesn't matter what it is, set aside the time and be intentional in letting them know it's because you value spending time with them. Then, follow through.

Depression and suicide go hand in hand. Both are hard to talk about. For too many years, both have been shrouded under a cloud. People struggling with depression are easily judged. Mental health has been ignored for far too long. Our mental health directly impacts our physical health, according to the CDC, depression can increase risks for heart disease, stroke, and diabetes. It's far past time for our legislators, insurance providers, and employers to acknowledge its importance. The time to make a change is NOW.

Make the change by asking the hard questions. Showing up. Demanding more for each and everyone of us in the way of mental health benefits. Let's be the change so another family doesn't have to suffer the loss of someone they love.