What If Its ALL Just A House of Cards?

What if:

*Her mom is battling cancer again?
*Her picture perfect marriage isn't really all it seems?
*Her life looks perfect from the outside, but in reality its not?
*She doesn't really have anyone she can talk to?
*She's helping to pay someone else's bills and doesn't have the extra money for "things?"
*She's fighting for custody of her kids?
*She has to look "together" all the time for her job?
*She struggles with feeling like she's not enough?
*She needs to and wants to know she's needed and important?
*She has a desire to do or be more?
*What she's doing right now is the absolute best that she can?
*She's up at 5:00 a.m. after going to bed at midnight, and can't "just set aside 30 minutes for that workout?"
*She doesn't feel like she fits in?

The list of what if's could go on and on. If you knew all these things would you treat her differently?What if all that she seems from the outside is just a house of cards that feels like it could crumble at any given moment? Could you handle her reality?  How would you react? Could she trust you not to judge her and treat her differently if she were this honest with you?

I'm working on being more real, letting the world see my "house of cards." Some of the things above are about me, some of them aren't.  However, I'm scared. Scared that I'll be judged. Afraid that I'll be deemed less capable. Being raw and honest is the opposite of what we're taught in today's society, particularly in jobs that put us in the public eye, and social media that makes us feel the need to "keep up with the Joneses."

I'm not a perfect wife, mom, boss, sister, friend, daughter, the list goes on and on. I try, but I struggle. I struggle to ask for help because I don't want to be seen as less. I struggle to find trust in someone else not to judge the me for my fears. When did our worth start hanging on the deeds that we do and how full our plate is?

We all have our own house of cards. The wind could blow and make us feel that our whole world will fall just like those cards. Everyone is fighting a battle of some sort. As a society could we acknowledge that? Could we stop judging each other based on those battles? Instead can we embrace that struggles exist and we need each other to make it through them?

I'm currently reading Jill Savage's book Better Together.  The book details why we need each other particularly as moms, but it's applicable to so many of our relationships. We really are "better together."  We really do need each other. God made us to be companions and champions for one another. We each can easily find our own faults.  Let's work on building each other up instead of being the wind that knocks over that house of cards.

But I Want a Different Consequence!

Originally this blog was going to be called "Parenting At Its Best: A Maui-ism." However, a few days and an unexpected surgery later gave me a time to think things over and gain a new perspective.

Last week, Rob and I had been discussing with Maui the importance of keeping her attitude and sassiness in check. Now Maui is a good kid, but every once in a while, her sass gets the best of her (she may or may not get that honestly).  We had been over with her what was expected in her behavior and what the consequences were should she not meet those expectations. The next night, from a room away, I hear the sass coming through in her conversation with my mom. So I called her in, told her to brush her teeth and go to bed. Mind you this was the consequence that was explained to her the night before.

She brushes her teeth and goes to her room. Not three minutes later, the drama and bellowing begin. Imagine in your most overdramatic, bellowing, sobbing, seven year old voice through a closed door "Mooooom!!! Why can't I have a different consequence?" "I want a different house!" "I want a different consequence! MOOOOOOM!!" Well you get the idea of how this was going down. So being the good parent that I am, I let this continue for a while thinking ignoring it would help it subside. It lasted long enough that I had to go in there to calm her down so I could put the twins to bed.

Here's how that conversation went: "Maui you're going to have to calm down so that I can put the other kids to bed." "But Mom, (through hysterical sobs) why can't I have a different consequence? Why can't you just spank my butt or something?" As I try to maintain my composure, I explain that if she got to pick her consequence then it really wouldn't be a punishment and that's how consequences work. I explained that you know what's expected, and when you chose to do something outside of those expectations, then you have to deal with the consequences.

She eventually settles down and apologizes later in the evening. I pat myself on the back, thinking that this is parenting done right. You've found a way to get through to curtail an undesired behavior and found a punishment that she doesn't enjoy-- Good job Holly, you did it!

And that's where this was going to end. Then a few days of downtime was handed to me and I got to thinking...Thinking how often as an adult does that happen to me? How often do I make a choice and then try to negotiate a different consequence from the one that I got? More times than not, I know what the consequence will be before I act and yet I choose what makes me happy short term instead.

It's easy. It's in the small things and big things in life. How easy for us is it to skip tithing because we really wanted to do something else with that money? How easy is it for us to watch tv or play on our phone instead of spending time playing on the floor with our kids? How often do we let our emotions control what we say instead of being careful with our words because we know the easiest way to cut someone to the quick?

Just like our children, we know what's expected of us. We know the expectations that God has for us, particularly those of us that are Christ-followers. We know right from wrong. Yet many times we chose the instant gratification and then later are left saying "but I want a different consequence!"

Much like I try to instill values into my children and guide them down the right path, I've been taught the same lessons by my Heavenly Father. Too often I find myself asking for a different consequence. But just as I know that the consequences that I've given my child are shaping her, His consequences are shaping me. And that my friends is parenting done right.

What Does a Mom of Multiples (or any mom) Need?

When you find out your pregnant, the offers for help roll in; and then the babies come. The first month people are in and out with food (which don't get me wrong is MUCH appreciated). Visitors slack off and then it's you, your husband, your dog, and four kids trying to figure out how to survive. And let's be honest, survive is really all that you're doing. Your mantra becomes "just get through today." Why? Because it's hard, really freaking hard! See not only are you trying to figure out how to deal with TWO babies that want to nurse, want snuggled, and want your attention, but you also have two older children wanting to play, to color, to snuggle, and to feel important. You? What do you want? You want ALL of those things, but really you want SLEEP! Sleep, a shower, and ten minutes to yourself. You want each one of your children to curl up in your lap so that they know that they are your world and nothing is more important than them. So you try, then a baby cries, something spills, homework has to be done...reality hits.

So what does a mom of multiples or any mom need? We need to know we're not forgotten. After the first couple months, everyone assumes you're good. Guess what? Nope, I need you! I need friendship, I need to know that just because I'm playing this mommy role that someone still cares enough about me and our relationship to check in. I need friendships that text and ask what I'm doing and when I say nothing, they show up and say "go sleep, I've got this" or "grab your hubby and leave." Wanna guess how often that happens for someone with four kids? You guessed right, approximately never.

What this has shown me is how crappy of a friend I've been in the past. See I had the same thoughts, eh they've got this figured out by now. My friends, I'm sorry. I should have checked in just to let you know I was thinking about you. I should have showed up and made you sleep, or leave or shower so you feel human again. And in the future, I'll do better. I'll do better because I get it now. It took having twins to get it, but I get it.

I've now survived the first year of having multiples, and I find that I'm still longing for and missing the same things. Is it a little easier? Yes, but now the hard is different. It's different because for me to go somewhere that involves loading and unloading four kids in four car seats. It's different because now we need to stick to our schedules so what little bit of sanity remains is still there after bedtime. I want to come to your parties, I want to go to a movie (with you or my husband), but if it's after six o'clock, it's probably not going to happen.

God helps us to weather our storms. I know that this season of life will pass more quickly than I'd like. The days are oh so long (and lots of them are freaking hard), but the years really are short. Don't forget that mama that you used to spend time with. Being her friend may pose a few more obstacles now than before, but she needs you now more than ever.