Christmas Memories

What is it about the Christmas season that is so magical? As a child I remember the excitement as we put our tree up. My mom had a knack for making the whole house feel like Christmas. I loved the way our house looked after mom was done working her magic. One of my favorite trees from my childhood she had decorated in little white lambs. I had almost forgotten how much I enjoyed that tree with the train tracks going around the bottom until this year as my kids were decorating our tree.  I had in my box of ornaments one of the little white lambs, it landed towards the top of our tree, and made me smile.

I remember the excitement of Christmas morning, tiptoeing down the stairs to peak around the banister to see if Santa came then running up to wake up mom and dad way before the morning would have normally began.  We would gather around the tree with excitement opening presents.  Then we’d wait for dad to take his life-sized stocking down and open his gifts, he was always the last one. Afterwards, we’d eat a breakfast feast before heading out to celebrate with our extended family.

Each side of the family has something that always stood out. On my mom’s side I remember the delicious food my grandma would make, her sugar cookies and pies are still to this day the best.  We’d all head back to the family room and sit cross legged on the floor going around the room opening presents.  On my dad’s side, I think of the games we’d play, spoons being the crowd favorite. I think I still have a scar from a serious game one Christmas. The one thing I could always count on from my grandparents’ stockings was an orange being in the toe of it. I remember the laughter and the smiles and the love that filled the rooms on both sides of my family.

When I think of Christmas memories, one of my most vivid is our family trips to look at the Woburn Christmas lights. I remember how excited we were to load up in the car and walk through to look at all the different displays. That was and is one of my favorite memories from my childhood. Perhaps that’s why I wanted to make sure it was a tradition that I carried on with my own children.  Now I love watching them run from box to box “ohhing” and “awwing” with excitement. I hope that it is a memory that lives on in them.

We've created our own Lemons family traditions that we look forward to every year.  We do an annual gingerbread house and I enjoy watching the kids try to work together on the design. We have an advent calendar of sorts, it's a box that I fill with either activities for us to do or chocolates. We've tried a few things that I'm not sure will continue, like making salt dough ornaments, but that I hope the girls remember the experience of and smile.  I hope they remember the laughter and fun we had with each one, successful or not. Who knows, maybe some day one of these will be something they choose to pass down to their children.

In my mind, I always imagined that’s what my kids would experience: bounding downstairs to see if Santa came, ripping open presents with anticipation, and then sitting together for a big breakfast before we were off to see the rest of our family. I imagined our evenings would be filled with the love and laughter of our extended family.  I spend each year hoping that the memories that they’re putting in their memory bank are some that they too can’t wait to pass down to their children when the time comes.  Mostly, I hope that my children never forget the reason we get to share this love and season, Jesus.

Moving On

I sit here and the number of boxes around me continues to grow. Cabinets become empty, trips to resale stores and donations are winding down, dumpsters have been rolled away. It's becoming very real that we're moving.

It's a move we're excited for and have waited a long time for. We've finally found a house in the country and it will be our forever home. But there's something about sitting among all these boxes that makes me sad.

This was our first house together. This is the house we brought each one of our girls home to as their first home. I can still see vividly each spot where we sat them when we arrived home and wondered what to do next. I know each place where they took their first steps. It's been a house of firsts.

I know that it's a house and that a home is what you make it. But for thirteen years, this has been our home. We went from newly weds trying to figure out how to make it all work to a family of six in this house. The walls of this house know stories of success and failure, laughter and tears. This house has celebrated birthdays, graduations, jobs. It's where we've cried tears of loss and tears of joy. Most of all, they've seen lives of love.

We've poured our hearts into this house to make it our own. We've changed windows, floors, and doors, remodeled bathrooms, finished the basement, gutted and remodeled the kitchen/dining/laundry rooms (eight months pregnant with twins doing dishes in a bathtub...yikes!). We made this house our home.

Now it's time to say goodbye.  And for whatever reason, no matter how excited about something you are, goodbyes are hard. I know we'll move and have a whole new series of firsts in our new home, but there's something terribly hard about leaving the home that so many firsts for your family happened.

Perhaps that's it, in this house, we became a family and this house became our home. For that I'll always be thankful and I'll always love this house. We grew up here, Rob and I. We made our family here. We built our life here. So goodbye is hard because I see how far we've come.

Thanks for the lifetime of memories. You'll always hold a piece of my heart and bring a smile to my face. Goodbye 70 Greenbriar Drive.

I Kinda Hope Some Things Never Change

There are moments that make me smile not because there's something extremely special about them to the average person, but because it's one of the little things that I hope never fades.  The little voices and mannerisms that each of my girls have that I know one day will just stop. They're the things that I love.

Maui, I kinda hope you never stop calling me mama. I hope that you never stop wanting to hold my hand. I kinda hope that you never stop claiming that snuggling with me is one of your favorite parts of the day. I kinda hope that you never stop trying to get me to let you create a new club or fundraiser idea. I hope you never lose that giver's heart.

Brylynn, I kinda hope that you never lose how matter of fact you are about everything. I kinda hope that you mispronounce oatmeal (oapmeal), pancakes (panacakes), and medicine (medisuline) forever. I hope that you never lose how expressive your face is because it cracks me up even at times it shouldn't. "I just need a hug" is something I kinda hope you never stop telling me

Aspen, I kinda hope that you never stop putting your little finger to the side of your mouth when you're contemplating things. I kinda hope that you never stop convincing me with your head shakes when you're telling me something. I hope that you never stop singing with your arms wide open and dancing through a room like you're on stage.

Afton, I kinda hope that you never stop asking "what's that?" as you point to things.  I kinda hope you never stop asking me "where we going mom?" though I've told you a dozen times every time we get into the car. I kinda hope you never lose that look that is beyond serious and how animated you are with your hands as you're telling me something whether I understand it or not.

I kinda hope Aspen and Afton, that you never stop saying "hold you me" so I can never stop saying "hold me you."

I kinda hope that the four of you never stop howling together. Though the high pitched sound of the four of you going "aaa-owwwww" together can be a bit much, it's something that means something to you as sisters. I hope you never outgrow playing "in the twins' room" because the giggles that come from there are by far one of the best sounds I hear in a day.

I kinda hope that you each continue to want me to rock you and sing to you each night. I kinda hope you never stop telling me your favorite parts of your day. I hope we never stop saying "our I'll's" and praying together every night.

Selfishly, I kinda hope you never grow up. I know one day you'll outgrow a lot of this; words will become clearer, I'll become just mom instead of mama or mommy and just like you'll outgrow your princess dresses, you'll outgrow some of my favorite things. Those are the things written on my mama heart. It's the sweet sound of your little feet running down the hallway. It's the sound of hearing "mama's home" with squeals of delight as you come running toward me. It's the trying to stay quiet giggles you have when you're trying to hide from daddy when you see him coming home.

Yes, I kinda hope some things never change because these are the things that take my breath away and make my heart fill with happiness. I kinda hope I never forget how blessed these little things make me feel.

I love you my sweet girls 💓

The Best Gifts

Over the years, I've tried to find the perfect gift for someone.  On special occasions, we always look for the right gift. When we have kids, people always ask what to get them for their birthdays and Christmas. These gestures are always meant with good intentions and on the day received, greeted with appreciation.

When Rob and I began having kids, we of course wanted to give them more than what we had. We want more and better for them as all parents do for their children. When Maui was an only child, the amount of toys and books she had was overwhelming. We spoiled her as did many others in her life with material things. However, as she grew, we realized that that's not the message we wanted to send to her. Lucky for us, she's a generous kid and saw the value in our shift. She began wanting donations for animal shelters, schools in Africa, Operation Christmas Child, etc. instead of things. We were blessed that she saw a bigger picture once we started showing her that there was more to this life than just her. We're working on doing better with the younger three by teaching them that much earlier in life.

Overall, our family has been great at grasping this concept and helping us teach our children that it's not the number of things that you have in this life that matters. We want to be able to help others. We want to enjoy time with each other. Those are some of the best gifts. This past year for Christmas, the girls received some pretty great gifts. They were given gifts of time and experiences.  These gifts will go on lots longer than the lost shoe of a Barbie doll.

The other day we took advantage of one of the experiences the girls were given for Christmas, we went to Knight's Action Park. Honestly it was pretty close to a perfect day. My girls absolutely loved the water. They amazed me with their courage and warmed me with their smiles. As we sat on the ground to have our sack lunch, Maui said how nice it was to sit together and just enjoy visiting and I couldn't agree with her more. We had ice cream on the way home and I sat thinking that I hope they always enjoy that treat with their whole bodies.

We went to the zoo a few weeks ago because another great gift the girls received was to become zoo members. I soaked up the minutes of watching the girls run from each monkey exhibit to the next.  I was sure that they would be terrified of them, but they weren't, they loved them. I loved watching each of their personalities shine picking out the animal they wanted to ride on the carousel (Afton chose to be held, she wasn't impressed by the idea). They cracked me up as we went to the splash pad in the Children's Zoo. Brylynn and Aspen dove in head first. Afton wasn't sure and it took her a good ten minutes of running in and out before she decided that she was all in and then didn't want to leave.

The best gifts in life don't have a price tag. The best gifts in life are those in which we're surrounded by those we love. The moments in time that create happiness that lasts long after the day is over. It's being surrounded by those that fill your cup up and over. The best gifts in life are the experiences that we have and the absolute choice we have to make those moments the ones that take our breath away years down the road.

Every day may not go as we've had planed, but we can still chose what it is that we remember and what experiences we chose to take away from them. We went camping with my dad, step mom, grandma, sister, step brother and a gaggle of our kids. The twins absolutely were not fans of our arrangements. It was hard and they made a trip home a day early. But what I remember from that trip isn't how awful that part was, I remember how brave Afton was as she decided to take on the river current to swim to Rob. I remember how happy Aspen was sitting on the shoreline, stark nude, playing with Lori. I remember watching Brylynn dance with my grandma in the water. I remember watching my dad play with his grandkids and watching Maui and Jackson run down the shoreline.

Some gifts are as simple as baking cookies with your grandma and hearing old stories or an adventure down new trails with your sisters. I've talked before about reconnecting, but it's as equally important to be present in the everyday moments in life. God's given us the best gifts in life, first, His Son. Secondly, the opportunity to experience this life with the ones we love and enjoy the time that we're given with them.  I intend to spend my life doing just that because even on my not so shiny days, I'm blessed beyond what I deserve.

Reconnecting

Life can be a bit crazy. In my world, some days are a lot crazy. Rob decided that he and I needed a getaway, so he booked us a trip to Mexico. Sun, fun, just adult time? Sold! So Rob arranged for child care for all the kiddos (thanks to our amazing family), and away we went.

I'll admit, I was a little nervous. Not nervous for the trip, but rather nervous for he and I. Our lives and conversations generally seem to revolve around the kids and work because we work different schedules; it sometimes seems like a briefing/debriefing of the day. Would we have anything to talk about for five whole days without those things coming into play? It'd been a good long while since we'd had that many days alone without any other factors of life driving our world.

Before dawn on a Friday morning, we left our house and headed south of the boarder. Days seemed to fly, but never seemed rushed. We enjoyed the beach. We went zip-lining, atving, and swimming in cenotes. We went downtown Playa and enjoyed the street life. We ate, we swam, we played cards. We enjoyed each other.

My fear of having little to talk about was a non-factor. Here's what I learned: we are still the same head over heels couple that we were fourteen years ago when we started dated. We still make each other laugh. We still love holding hands and kissing like it's the first time we've ever done such a thing. We laughed, we loved, we reconnected. Fourteen years later, I still get butterflies and smile when I think about it.

We're not perfect.  We face struggles and battle through them. But here's what's great, we're here. That for better or for worse thing, it's real. Some times we just need a little getaway to reconnect and remind us of where we started and how much we don't ever want to lose that. How lucky am I that I have a man that sees the same things?

Speaking of reconnecting, the annual Hopwood kids sibling weekend happened. Maui asked me why we have a sibling weekend. I originally told her it was because we like hanging out and that I hope she and her sisters do that when they're older.  Then I got to thinking about the real reason we get together. I think it's for similar reasons as the trip Rob and I took.  It's because life gets busy and we don't make time for each other in the ways that we want to or should.  So for us, sibling weekend gives us a chance to catch up, to laugh, to reminisce, and make new memories.

This year we didn't go far. We hit the Tim McGraw and Faith Hill concert in Des Moines. And while the concert was great, it wasn't my favorite part of the weekend. No, my favorite parts happened before and after.  The memories of sitting around the fire pit laughing way past my bedtime. That of five adults squeezing into one very tiny money booth and thinking we'd hit the jackpot (we collected $45 between the five of us). The awful service at the restaurant after the concert that made me realize how seriously we all take our food. That to me was what the weekend was all about.

In this life, we can't be certain of much. Yet this I'm certain of: reconnecting with those we love is never time wasted, it's time gained.

Speak Life

Over the last month I've had several encounters that really encouraged me. These events coupled with a song that I love, Speak Life, made me wonder what would happen if we all chose to speak words of life. 

Over Mother's Day I wasn't home, I was in Mexico with Rob for a little getaway. The day that we came home we picked Maui up from school. I could see her in the car line holding flowers.  Now these weren't just flowers that she picked out of the school yard, they looked like they'd come from a flower shop. She was so excited to give them to me for Mother's Day and the look of excitement on her face as she gave them to me was priceless. But here's the thing that really got me about this: when I asked her where she got the flowers, she said the trash. Here's where my heart REALLY began to smile. My Maui girl she's got this heart that sees beauty in everything. She said "mama some of the teachers threw away the flowers that they got because they started to die, but they weren't all dead. So I found the pretty ones for you." I've never had someone choose  to dig through the garbage for me, but this little girl did because she wanted to give me something beautiful when I came back. The flowers sat in a vase on my counter until there was no life left in them, but through them, she spoke life. 

A couple of weeks later I had taken the three younger girls grocery shopping with me. They had been excellent. As I as was bagging the groceries, Brylynn reminded me that we'd forgotten to get Goldfish. I told her we'd have to get them next time and I reminded her that I had a snack for them in the car when we were finished.  A lady had overheard our exchange and came over and asked if my girls could have Goldfish. I told her that they were fine and she didn't need to do that. She again asked if it was ok. I agreed. She told my girls how good they'd been and she knew how hard it was to be patient and good while waiting for mommy to finish. Each of my girls looked like they were on cloud nine because this nice stranger acknowledged the good in them. She spoke life not only to my girls, but to me through her kindness.

My Brylynn had a doctor's appointment a week or so later. Afterwards she and I stopped at Popeye's for a late lunch. As I was cleaning up our table a very polite young man told me I had a beautiful smile as he smiled back at me. Hearing that, I thanked him and found myself smiling more. It was a genuine unexpected compliment that had a lasting effect. Have you ever noticed that smiling is contagious?  He spoke words of life not only to me that day, but to others because his words had a chain reaction.

Speaking life isn't something that we do easily.  I'm not sure why we've made it difficult. Finding the good in one another and searching for the silver lining in all situations shouldn't be as low on the list as we've let it become.  Our words and actions have the power to lift each other up.  We have the ability to speak life into each other.  How much better would this world be if even once a day we chose to be the voice that spoke life?

Know Your Value

Recently I attended a conference and one of the sessions I attended was Talking To Your Kids About Sex. I had so many great takeaways from that session. There was a statistic that stuck with me that I've rolled over and over in my mind. It disturbs me and I can't quite come to terms with it. Here it is: 81% of female college freshman at Stanford felt that if they went on a date and one hundred dollars or more was spent, then they owed the person that took them on a date something sexually.

OWED. My mind was absolutely blown. There are so many soapboxes I can get on with this thought and since it's my blog, I'm going to hit most of them.

How on earth does a young girl, who is obviously intelligent based on the fact that she's attending Stanford, not recognize her value is FAR more that a measly hundred bucks?  As a society we have failed. We have failed miserably if we think that it's acceptable for a girl to think she owes someone some sexual favor because money was spent.  What are we saying to our children? As parents, family, friends, teachers, pastors, brothers, sisters, and any other roll you may possibly play in a child's life we are not instilling the value of self-worth. Something tells me that this number isn't exclusive to Stanford.

It's got me fired up. If I do nothing else as a parent, my children will know their value. And you can bet your bottom dollar that it ain't gonna be no hundred bucks. Women have fought too long and too hard to become the strong, progressive, and independent people we are.  The struggle was not for women to be treated as simple sex objects and suppressed. How on earth are we going to accept the notion that our sexual values have a minimal price tag? I can't and I won't.

Here's what I'm saying: NO. Not just no, but hell no. You will know your value. You will know that you are worth far more than one hundred dollars.   In fact, I don't care how much money there is, you are worth more. You are invaluable and you will not lower yourself to the sub-par standards this world has set. This is why: you have value that cannot be set by man. You are a child of God. You are loved. You are strong, intelligent, driven, and beautiful. You will not allow yourself to be made to feel as if you owe someone something sexually or otherwise because you know your value. You know right and wrong, and odds are that you know one hundred bucks isn't where you draw your line for right.

Sweet girl, nothing is owed to anyone simply because you were taken on a date regardless of the dollar amount spent. What is owed to the young man taking you on a date is exactly what's owed to you: RESPECT. With respect comes boundaries and you get to set those boundaries for yourself, no dollar amount should do that for you. I don't care if ten thousand dollars is spent on a date, that's a choice that he made within his boundaries, yours are not predicated by his actions.

So here's the deal. Whether you are my daughter, my friend, my friend's kid, or a stranger on the street, you're worth more. So much more.  Know you're value. Know that you are far better than one measly date regardless of the price tag on it. Truth be told, if the guy that took you is worth anything, he won't expect anything sexual in return. If he does, that should tell you a lot about him really quick. There's more to you than sex. You have dreams, goals, ambitions and anyone that wants anything sexual from you needs to care about those things far more than the dinner tab. Don't sell out. Don't sell yourself short.

Parents, can we come together and teach our kids that they are worth more than this world is telling them? Can we teach them that they are loved and valued far beyond their flesh? Let's start when they're little by showing them love and positive attention so they don't grow up seeking any kind of attention and mistake it for love. If your kids are older, it's not too late to fess up to our short-comings and help them see that though we may have fallen short early on in expressing it, they are valuable. Let's talk to them about sex so that the world isn't teaching them about it. Let's teach them that there's more to love than just lust. Let's teach them not to objectify the opposite sex. Let's teach them to hold out for someone that loves all of them, not just the physical part of them.  Can we work really hard to do this whether you have sons or daughters? Because I don't know about you, but I know my girls are worth far more than what this world's telling them and I don't want them to settle for anything...EVER.

And Just Like That, It's Half Gone

Maui,

I've been dreading this day for more months than I can count. To some it may seem silly. Honestly, in my own mind I know I'm probably being a bit ridiculous, yet here I sit, happy yet sad. The turmoil you ask? Your NINTH birthday.

Nine. Such a seemingly small number in the big scheme of things. Yet in my mind, it's a great big, huge, ginormous number. Nine means that now my sweet Maui, you are just as close to being able to leave me as you are having to stay with me. Somehow in the blink of an eye you've grown and I'll blink again and you'll be out the door to college. And those thoughts leave me sitting here with tears pouring down my cheeks.

They aren't sad tears in the sense that I don't want you to grow up. They're tears of a life that you've impacted in ways I could have never imagined. You were the first of so many things. You were the first answered prayer for a child. You were the first flutter in my heart that I felt when you kicked. You were the purest form of happy tears your daddy and I cried when we found out we were pregnant with you. Your cry on the day you were born was the best and sweetest sound I'd ever heard (the doctor laughed when I said that in the delivery room).

Everyone says it, "enjoy it, it'll fly by." Yes, yes it does. And I think that's why this number that you've been so excited to hit, has been so hard for me to accept. I know my time as your mom doesn't expire on your eighteenth birthday, but I know that you'll have the freedom to roam. And as your mama that wants to keep you here and safe forever, that's hard to think about.

So tonight as I rocked you, I breathed in your sweet smell a little longer. I watched your not so little hands turn the pages of our book that we read together. I watched your long eyelashes shine against blue eyes that see the good in so much and the love that shines through them. I marveled at you and wondered how on earth I was blessed enough to be your mama. As I rocked you and knew just how hard the morning would be.  I asked you if I could always rock you no matter how big you were. You agreed. I wanted you to put it in writing, but you just smiled that pretty little smile and said "I'm not going to be one of those kids that goes away to college and doesn't care about their parents." So for the last time as an eight year old, I rocked you and sang you our songs. All the while hoping and praying that next year I'm still getting to do this and you haven't decided that you're too big for it.

My sweet child I hope you never lose the great qualities that make you you. I pray that you always follow the path God has designed for you. The love and compassion that you have for others is unrivaled. You amaze me everyday with the desire you have to help others. You looked at me tonight and said "mama, you inspire me to do good and help others." All I could do as my heart was melting is say " you know what's funny Maui? You inspire me to do the exact same thing."

So tomorrow we'll celebrate you. We'll celebrate the amazing human that you are. I'll fix you french toast and bacon for breakfast and spaghetti and garlic bread for lunch and I'll watch you smile like it's the best thing you'll ever eat. And I'll look at you and smile knowing that this day will forever be engraved in my memory. I'll look at you and wonder how I could ever love you more and know that somehow I will.

Something tells me that I'll forever look at you and see this little girl, no matter how big you get.

Something also tells me that I'll love you forever and ever my sweet baby.

Love,
Mom

What Surprised Me Most

When Rob and I decided to share our story via my last blog, the reactions surprised me.  Not that there was criticism because I knew there would be, but who the criticism came from. Our friends and family that should have been there to offer support instead became offended and embarrassed by Rob and I sharing our story. It was embarrassing to them. Strange right?  The other thing that surprised me was the assumption that I just spilled some deep dark secret with no regard to Rob. The bottom line is that Rob and I talked about this. We prayed about this. WE, catch that, WE decided to share our story.

It's offensive that the same people mentioned above would think that I don't have enough love or respect for my husband to not discuss something like this with him before just throwing it out there. If we'd have shared a story of alcoholism, the show of support would have been overwhelming. But because it was a topic that's so taboo, we instead became criticized. Again, I think that says a lot more about their hearts than it does ours, but regardless, it doesn't lessen the hurt. I have to wonder why that reaction though. Does it hit too close to home where examining needs to be done? Is it easier to sweep hard things under the rug and pretend as if they don't exist? Hiding behind closed doors and not addressing problems doesn't solve anything. Bringing light to difficult topics does. If you don't know it's wrong or a problem, you don't address it, but when it becomes a problem in your marriage, it has to be addressed.  Lies don't solves themselves, secrets don't reveal the truth, pretending that something doesn't exist doesn't make it any less true. Healing comes from addressing issues head on, and that's what WE have chosen to do.

When I shared my secret in She Gave Me Courage, I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support. I felt honored that other victims chose to confide in me and found strength in knowing that they weren't alone. Some of our same family and friends showed much love for me during that time, that's why I'm so confused. Confused that they can't see the bravery in us sharing this secret that we've struggled with for years. Surprised that they can't and didn't offer love and support in the same way. So many strangers and people that we know at a casual level offered love and support, but not those that should have been on the front lines, and that's what surprised me most.

There were people that found comfort in knowing that they weren't alone on both sides of the spectrum in our sharing. So to us sharing our story is and was worth it. Knowing that we were and are able to comfort others helps our healing too.  The Bible reminds us that "we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ” (2 Corinthians 1:4b-5).  God gives us comfort and we are able to comfort others from what we've learned in our journey. We become capable through our successes in the face of struggle.  We all have our own ways of healing and knowing that others can heal and learn from our struggles helps us.

We have learned and continue to learn and grow through this process. Though the reactions of some disappointed me, not one part of me regrets sharing this journey. I truly believe that the only way to bring healing is to bring something to light; to have open and honest conversations, even the hard ones. To assess where we are and how to get better. We can't do that by hiding behind closed doors. We're learning a lot, but hopefully someone else is also.

I'll leave you with a quote a friend shared with me:
Only God can turn
a MESS into a message,
a TEST into a testimony,
a TRIAL into a triumph,
a VICTIM into a victory.

When You Let Your Guard Down

When you are first married, it's hard to believe that anything will ever come between you and the one you love. You can't imagine putting anyone or anything else before your spouse. The love is pure, it's simple and it's easy. I knew that there would be struggles, that's part of life. What I didn't account for is that sometimes you have to make a choice to love. You have to be intentional in your love. Sometimes, life comes in a whirlwind and you forget. You let your guard down.

I've wrote, rewrote, wrote again, and may even yet again rework this piece. I've been in a place of hurt. A place of trying to overcome. A place of forgiveness. And lastly, but most importantly, a place of love and grace. As I've worked and reworked this piece, each of those emotions has flown freely. When I started this blog, it was so my girls would know more about our lives and where they come from. One day, when they're old enough to understand life, I hope they read over this dark season of my life and learn. I hope they learn not to react out of anger, sadness, or fear. I hope they learn that they can choose to act out of love, grace, and kindness and through that, offer forgiveness...even when it's not easy. I also hope that someone else out there beside my girls can take away not only those lessons, but also know that they are not alone, that there is hope and that they can overcome what seems like the impossible.

As I've gone through this season (and honestly, I'm still working through it), the following verse has stood strong in my mind: Genesis 50:20  What the enemy meant for evil, God meant for good. That has been my hope. That has been my prayer. I have a peace that in fact good will come from this season. Not only for my family, but for others as well.

Spiritually out of shape. Words that I heard at church that hit home in a couple of ways. Yes, in certain aspects, I'm spiritually out of shape. It also reminded me that my relationship is out of shape. And I let both get that way. I let not having a church home become an excuse to distance myself in my relationship with God as did my husband. When we did that, it became easy to let the wheels come loose in other areas of our lives too. We have to keep God at our center to be functioning in our relationship with each other.

Bold. Are you bold in your faith? That was also asked at church and my answer could only honestly be sometimes. How do these two things tie together for what you're about to read? It's simple what you'll read below is an honest raw emotional writing that isn't pretty. It isn't tied up in a pretty package with a bow. But the two lessons from church applied because one: not only have I/we be complacent with our spiritual journey, we've ignored and been lazy with our marriage too. Issues that we've needed to address for a long time, we pushed off. We've let down our guard.  Two: boldness in faith. Again, you may wonder how this ties together. Again I say that it's simple. We could let the fear of judgment stop us from sharing this journey. But we know that doing so will stop the message that needs to reach someone. God's got a plan. His plan will bring glory from the ashes as only He can.

So as we share this journey and our story, keep in mind, that judgment is easy. It's easy to forget that we all struggle. We all fall short. We all sin. This is a story of addiction. It's a story of hurt. It's a story of struggle. It's also one of hard work, love, forgiveness, and victory.  So before you judge me, my husband, or our family, understand that I share this because I know that someone else needs to know that they aren't alone and that they will be alright.

It seems to happen out of nowhere. You become complacent. You stop actively praying over certain areas of your life because they seem ok. You slowly notice change, but because you don't want to believe it, you ignore it. Then it becomes too obvious to ignore. Too painful to hide. It slips in like a shadow in the night, when your guard is down. When you least expect it.

My husband has a problem. He has for years. For many years, I tried to pretend it didn't exist. For other years, I'd hit a boiling point, we'd fight, he'd promise to stop, and we'd carry on. We are all flawed human beings that sin. I sin. You sin. We all sin, it's just in different ways. Accountability comes when we stop hiding our secrets for fear of what others think of us. Some people will judge you no matter what you do. That's a reflection of their heart. But when we stop keeping the painful secrets, we find out who our true friends are. The ones that will walk with us in our dark and difficult times. The ones that will hold us accountable for our actions and behaviors and help us overcome. The ones that don't judge us because of our sins, but choose to love us anyway.

My husband is addicted to pornography. Those are hard words to admit.  For years I've been ashamed. Ashamed of what he does. Ashamed that I'm not good enough. Fearful that someone would find out. It's a dangerous game that we play with caring what others think about us. From the outside we're picture perfect. But inside we're falling apart. Satan doesn't care. He doesn't care how picture perfect you are; he knows your weaknesses. And he slips in like a thief in the night. As we let our guard down, he sneaks further in. For my husband, stress sends him spiraling. I know this, and even still, didn't refortify the fortress with the specific prayers that I know I need to to protect his heart and mind.

What makes this so difficult is that I love my husband. I don't want to be without him. I'm not sure if it makes me stupid, weak, strong, or something else. But this I do know: I vowed to love him in good times and bad. This has been a bad time. You can't sugar coat that. I don't condone what he did. In fact I hate it. It's one of those hate the sin, love the sinner things. So what do you do? You pray. You believe God has a plan bigger than you can see. You know that God wants your marriage to succeed.

Why write this? There's someone out there that feels like they're alone. Someone that feels not good enough. You are not alone. It is not your fault. You can't control what your spouse chooses to do. You can only control how you react. If you are that spouse, you're not alone either. If you feel embarrassed, that you struggle with this, there are others that understand.  Rob struggled sharing this story because of embarrassment.  There's embarrassment on both sides, however, there is help. There are others that can understand and help you cope with whatever is driving you to this destructive path.

I know that some of you will read this and think "it's just a little porn, what's the big deal?" It's a BIG deal. HUGE. It divides. It drives wedges. It sets unrealistic expectations. It leaves someone feeling broken. It causes hurt. I causes relationships to end. It's a big deal. Just as you wouldn't sit there and say "it was only an affair" you can't sit and minimize the harm that is done by pornography. It's destructive in ways that go beyond understanding. Families, relationships, self-worth, they can all be destroyed in just a click of the button. It's a real problem that most don't want to hear about because it's taboo. It's time for that to stop.

Over time, I've realized that there's more than just this that's been an issue for us. We've stopped communicating and putting each other first. Honestly, this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Here's the bottom line: you aren't alone in this journey. I know how lonely it feels. I know how hard the tears fall. How mad, embarrassed, angry, hurt, and betrayed you can feel. It's ok to reach out, to find someone that understands what you're going through, you're not alone. My husband knows the shame that's felt. The embarrassment of others finding out. But we share our story because if it can help someone else going through this, then God wins and that's what we want.

People will judge you. People will judge your spouse. Those people forget that they too sin, that they aren't sinless. As I tell my daughters, that's a reflection of their heart, not yours. It says more about them than it does you.

Here's the bottom line, don't let down your guard. Pray. Be the support that someone needs. Don't be afraid or ashamed of needing to reach out. Hiding secrets doesn't make you better. When you let down your guard, you suffer, as do those around you. And always remember, God's got a plan. Glory will come from your ashes if you remain faithful. Don't let your guard down. Pray. Pray over your relationship in the areas that you know are tempted and weak.  This story isn't finished. There's more to be told.

When I began writing this, it was a place to vent my frustrations and hurt. My original posting, I honestly believed was beneficial. However, the more time that passes and the more things we work through, I see a lot of anger and hurt in the words that I thought I had so carefully chosen. Rob and I have sought counseling for not only his addiction, but for our marriage and communication issues. Nobody wants to admit that they have let things slip, that they aren't where they need to be. Pride doesn't heal us, it hurts us. We've swallowed our pride for the good of each other and our family. It hasn't been easy. In fact, some things can still make me tear up instantly because hurt runs deep. But we can choose to learn, forgive, and move forward. We're moving forward.

What Satan intended for harm, God meant for GOOD. I'm standing firm on that promise. There will be days that we struggle both individually and together, but we'll be ok. We love each other and know that there's a forgiving love much bigger than us that will see us through. And through this journey we're learning not to let our guard down.


To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3

Me And Her

I've been absent from blogging for a few months. It's been a tough couple of months (more in a later blog). I did have the opportunity to have dates with some of the most special people in the world to me.

The day that I took Brylynn on her date, she said words that I'll never forget with the biggest smile on her face "me and her!" Yep kiddo, forever and always. Not only that for the special date that we were going on that day, but to me it rang true for her life. The more I thought about those words spoken by my three year old, the more they resonated with me.

I started my week of special dates with my mom. Moms, they're kinda one of those things that you don't appreciate as much as you should until you're a parent yourself. It's amazing how much we've grown. She was just a baby herself when she had me. She grew up as she raised me. (I like to think that I turned out pretty ok). Me and her, growing up together, and here she is helping me raise my kids too. Me and her figuring out another chapter of life.

I had an unexpected night at home with the twins. It turned out to be a pretty great night. They entertained by singing and dancing. We read and played. It was simple, it was fun. That night, I was reminded just how lucky they are.  They will get to go through life saying "me and her" because they have a built in best friend and they love each other. They get to say that times four. Not only do they have each other, but they have two older sisters that I know will stand by them. Added bonus, they get me.

My last date for the week was with Maui. She was the first one that taught me what being a mommy was. We went to dinner and a show, we laughed, and we loved, me and her.

Me and her. Each one of those ladies mean the world to me. They shape me, challenge me, and love me. I love knowing that with each of the them, it's "me and her." In every walk of life, they can know that it'll be me and her, and I get to know the same. How lucky am I?

The more I go through life, the more uncertainty I see. Don't  be confused, I have absolute certainty of where I'll be and where I'm going. But as I look around, not everyone can say the same. I didn't always walk through life like that, and sometimes, there are situations that I'm not sure how they'll go. Here's the thing, I may not know how a certain situation will end, but I know where I'll ultimately end and I know who's walking with me during uncertain times.

The situations that have come my way lately, I've handled with grace, maturity, and love FAR beyond what I alone am capable of.  I've chosen words carefully. I've thought before I acted. These are things that I can't do on my own when my emotions are high, heck sometimes I can't when they aren't high. God's had His hand on me, and I know that and feel that.

The past several months haven't been an easy for me. And I've kinda got the feeling that God's been saying "it's me and her." There's a security that I have. A comfort. A calmness. And as he says "it's me and her," I know without a doubt that there's nothing more true.

One day I'll be gone, but I hope my girls will walk with the same certainty knowing that God's saying through every obstacle, every trial, every victory and success, "it's me and her."  My sweet Bry, you spoke words of wisdom beyond your years. It's me and her...