Breathe It In

She tugged on my heartstrings with "Mommy, I really miss you when I'm at school." Naturally, my response was "oh sweet girl, I miss you too."  Then she looked at me dead on and said "no, I really, really miss you. Can I take that scrunchie thing that smells like you with me tomorrow? And maybe can we spray extra perfume on it so it really stays smelling like you?" Heart melted. Absolutely. My scrunchie was thoroughly sprayed, and taken upstairs to bed, because sometimes she misses me when she sleeps too. When I got home this evening it was still wrapped around her wrist and she cried when pizza sauce hit it because it might cover up the smell. We washed it up as good as new and she went on her way with the damp scrunchie still around her wrist.

I guess I'd never really given it much thought that the comfort I find in breathing in the tops of each little head as I give hugs and kisses, is the same comfort they find snuggled in my arms breathing me in.  Yet when I slow down and think about it they constantly are doing just that. Afton always giggles and sniffs me as I sit in my jammies after my shower.  Maui always buries her head in my neck as I sing bedtime songs. Aspen always snuggles my neck when she's sitting on my lap. Brylynn brought it all together when she asked for my scrunchie.

I feel like I'm always running around trying to fit life in and yet not miss the sweetness of them being little. I'm constantly trying to remind myself to breathe it in and enjoy it.  I think often of the sweet summer smell of little girls that have played outside dressed as princesses. I relish the crisp smell of smoke from the fall campfire that lingers in their hair. I try desperately to drink in the sweet smell of them and not miss it.

It's easy to feel like I'm missing the mark, that I may not be living up to being the best mom in the world. Honestly, I'm probably not and that's ok. It's ok because each time I feel like I'm falling short, one of my girls reminds me that I'm exactly what they need all the time. I'm the smell that they breathe in that makes them feel safe.  I'm the smell of home.  I'm the smell of safe. I'm the smell of love. And they breathe that in and live life.  What they're breathing in is feeding their souls and from my view, they've got some of the most beautiful souls I've ever seen.

So I'll breathe in all their little girl sweetness and breathe out the sometimes long breathes of exhaustion.  I'll keep giggling with each sniff and hug tighter with each snuggle, so they can keep breathing in the love that keeps them going and growing.