In life we learn to pick our battles. We learn what's worth fighting for and what's worth letting go. Some things are harder to let go of than others.
I often remind Maui when she starts missing Grandpa, that when something is so hard to let go of, you know it was special. It doesn't always make letting go easier to deal with, but it shows you the value you placed on it. Some things are gone for good (or at least until we get to heaven), some are gone temporarily. When something returns it's up to us to determine how hard we're willing to fight for it. Some things are worth fighting for, some are not.
I'm amazed at how young the will to fight for something you value comes to the surface. Each of my kids have a way of telling (or showing) me what they want or don't want, even the twins who don't say much, get their point across and I know what's important to them because of it. I'm equally impressed by the protective nature that each of them show when it comes to each other. Brylynn can't stand the thought of anything hurting Maui. When Rob or Seth wrestle with her, Brylynn is the first to try to stop it. To her, her sister is worth fighting for. That's something that I hope each of my girls value forever, each other.
I read an article the other day on the women rescued from Boko Haram. These women fought to stay alive in captivity. They fought to get out when people came to help them escape. Now they are being held in tent villages and unable to return to the lives they had before because they are tarnished. These women are fighting to overcome terror that I hope and pray I never know. They are fighting to save themselves, but there are very few willing to help them because of fear. These women are worth fighting for.
The women and children that are victims of trafficking, they are worth fighting for. There's a sign that hangs on the window of my office that says "our children are not for sale." No they're not. They should never be. No person should ever be forced into a situation against their will. Taking a stand for those affected by this is worth the fight.
I strive to instill in my children respect, honesty, and the value in standing up for yourself and others. Choosing to do that isn't always easy. It's often easier to try to fit in and not cause waves. I tell Maui to imagine herself in the other person's shoes and think of how she would feel if it were her.
I want my children to be respectful. I want them to be respected. I want them to know their value and that all lives are important and have value. It's not a matter of race. It's not a matter of wealth. It's not a matter of gender. It's a matter of God-given life. So if you've given respect, but you're being treated like crap, I darn well expect you to stand up for yourself. If you see someone that doesn't know their worth, help them find it. If you see someone being hurt by words, physically, or any other way, fight for them. Help them fight the fight. Let them know they aren't alone. I'd rather you get sent home for standing up for yourself or someone than you know in your mind and heart that you let someone do irreparable damage. Some things are worth fighting for. And my mama heart will be full of pride if you fight for these things.
This is a blog for my children as they grow. These are things that I want them to read and look back on and know that they valued the right things. Value isn't in what we own or how much money we have. It isn't in the car we drive or the job we have. I can almost guarantee that when I die, people aren't going to say "she was one hell of a Clerk and drove a damn nice mini van!" (If that's what you're hearing I've failed epically in the mark I hoped to leave in this world. Not to mention who really says that about mini vans?) I find my work important and I hope that people think I do a good job, but that's not what I want to be remembered for.
So my children, below is a list of things (not all inclusive) that I hope you fight for with everything you have until your very last breath:
*Your faith-it is something that you should never sacrifice. It should be the foundation of who you are, which leads me to the next point.
*Yourself-always, always know you are worth fighting for. The person that God made you is beautiful inside and out. Never let someone or something make you devalue yourself. I hope that your father and I have taught you that your life matters, you matter, and God designed you with an amazing purpose in mind.
*Family-as you grow, you will find that no matter how mad your sisters or your parents make you, there is an unbreakable bond of love. That love is worth fighting for. Knowing that you took a stand for your sister(s) whether it be over a boy, a friend, or any other issue that may occur in this life, will give you (and your mama) more satisfaction than you can imagine. Mainly because that's your girl and you know nothing is going to hurt her, you'd fight for her no matter what. Know that each of you have each other's back. Be there. Fight for each other, there's a bond you've been given that can't be replaced and you're so blessed to have it.
*Freedom-I'm not the mama that wants you to sign up in the armed forces (because I selfishly would rather know you're safe here), but if you choose to, I will support you and be embarrassingly proud of you (fear not, I'll be embarrassingly proud of you regardless of your occupation). Our freedom is something that we often take for granted and forget that many in this world aren't even given half of the freedom we have. Fight for it. Support those that do. Fight for your right to vote and use that right. You have freedom of speech and religion. Don't let the politicians of this world lead you astray, fight for these freedoms always.
*Love-yep as cheesy as that sounds fight for it. It's not always easy, and sometimes it's downright hard. But when you find the one that will cover up your shoulder every night (even when he thinks you're ridiculous), fight for it. Fight for the one that values you and loves you not for what you can give him, but for everything that you stand for. Love isn't just a feeling, it's something that's built. When you find the one that you want to continue to build that love with fight for it.
*The underdog-the one without a voice, the one that needs protected, the one that needs help. I hope your heart has the compassion and kindness to fight for them when they can't. Do what you can to leave your mark on this world in a positive way. Helping those that can't help themselves is a fight you can take pride in.
*Your friends-not all friends are friends worth fighting for. Some relationships run their course and that's ok. If you find a friend that you connect with no matter how far apart you are and no matter how frequently you see each other or talk, fight to keep in touch. These friendships are important to keep you grounded and help remind you who you really are.
You'll find more things in this life worth fighting for and I hope you throw your passion into that fight if you think it's worth it. Never forget who you are. Fight for you, fight for God, fight for your family. These things are the foundation of who you are and you my sweet child are something worth fighting for.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Where Did All This Entitlement Come From?
I've been pondering on this question for weeks now. It seems that everywhere I look someone is screaming "I'm entitled to this!" It's not always in direct words, but often in actions and thought patterns and honestly it amazes me. Where did all this entitlement come from?
My parents generation and most certainly my grandparents generation didn't have this mind set. The mind set of those generations was hard work. Yet I've watched as people that can only afford an $80,000 house attempt to purchase a $200,000 house and then get mad when it doesn't work out because "they deserve" that house. Many times when these situations happen and the bank takes something back the people that couldn't afford the home destroy it. Really? When did you become entitled to destroy something because you couldn't afford it? I don't understand the mindset.
The same mindset that occurs with the idea that every child deserves a trophy for participation. Nope. Sorry. In real life, it doesn't work that way. When I do interviews, I don't send you consolation paychecks for participating though you didn't get the job. That seems a bit ridiculous to think, but we're essentially telling our kids the same thing by rewarding them simply for participating. I'm not saying that there's not value in positive reinforcement, but can we get off of the notion that every kid deserves to be the best and particularly if it's your kid?
Mommy and Daddy are making life too easy for their kids in today's age. Helicopter parents, yep you're a problem. Let your kid fight a few battles on their own, they'll thank you later in life. Don't pay all your kid's bill when they're an adult and trying to make it on their own. They'll quickly learn what's a priority, a necessity, and a pleasure. Not that you shouldn't help your kids some if you can, but let them learn the value of making it on their own, of making tough choices, of earning what they have.
No parent wants to see their child struggling. It's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking to watch someone take your child's seat at their birthday party. I watched it happen at Maui's party with her friends this year. I watched her say that it was her seat and the other child respond that so and so told them to sit there. I could have just as easily went to that child and asked them to move because it was Maui's party and her seat, but I didn't. Why? Because it's important for her to decide what's worth fighting for and what's not. Her decision was to find another seat and enjoy the rest of her time with her friends because that chair wasn't that important. Does part of me wish she'd have said "that's my seat and it's my party?" Yep, but she didn't and I'm ok with that. That's who she is, not who I am.
I want to protect her from every negative comment, every uncomfortable situation, and every time she tries to find her worth in what others think of her or the way she looks. I want that for all of my girls. I want them to know the difference between getting walked on and making peace. I want them to know that they're worth fighting for because of the kind, beautiful, caring soul they are inside. I want them to know that they are beautiful inside and out. God made them that way. I want them to know their value in Him and not this world. I want them to know their beauty in the way He sees them, in the way Rob and I see them, not in the way the world defines beauty.
How do you do that? How do you not fight for them? Because you learn that sometimes they have to struggle to find value and determination. It's hard. It's hard for them and it's hard for you. But you do it. You do it because you won't always be around and they have to be able to survive without you. I don't want my children to not know the value of money because I've always given them everything they've asked for without working for it. I don't want them to not know how to resolve conflict because I've always fought their battles for them. What happens to them when I'm gone if I do that? Did I really make their life better? Or did I make them feel entitled and now they can't function in society because I'm not here to do it for them.
I can't wait to buy the book On Fire by John O'Leary. I was reading Hands Free Mama's blog www.handsfreemama.com from March 29, 2016 and she referenced this book. I was awe struck. I thought of the incredible strength of not only this man, but also his mother. How easy it would have been for her to take away his struggles, but she chose not to. Not because she didn't love him, but more so because she loved him and wanted him to succeed in life. She wanted him to have strength, character, and know the value of hard work.
We can choose. We can choose to do things for others and for ourselves or we can choose to have them done for us. We can choose to forgive even when it's hard or we can choose to hold a grudge. We can choose to act like we're entitled to the things of this world or we can choose to work hard for what we have and value it because we worked hard for it.
We're not entitled to forgiveness, but we often hope for and ask for it. I'm amazed at how hard Maui works to make sure she's forgiven if she thinks she's hurt someone. I'm also amazed at how willing to forgive she is if someone hurts her. Every bit of me wants to tell her something witty to say back and stand up for herself. I don't. I remind her that she's a smart beautiful girl and the things others say is a reflection of their heart, not hers. I remind her that she can choose to forgive them and prove how beautiful she is on the inside or she can let it ruin her day and they win. She chooses to forgive every time. Even when it's hard. She forgives when they haven't asked for forgiveness. She has the heart of Christ. She's not entitled to it, but she's asked for it, she's worked hard to understand it, and she believes it. It's a choice. The best one.
Parents let's do our kids a favor. Let's not let them believe that they are entitled to everything in this world just because they want it. Let's not make them think that when they just start out they deserve the life you have without working for it. I had to work to get the things I have and I most certainly don't expect my children to have it fresh out of the gate, because they haven't worked for it yet. We owe it to them to instill value in them. Value in who they are, and to take care of and value the things that they have. We owe it to them to let them work hard so they know how sweet winning is. Often you don't know how great it is until you've failed a time or two. There are very rarely consolation prizes in the adult world, let's stop giving them to our kids when they participate. When we do they gain the mindset of entitlement and that's something that isn't a favor, it's a hindrance.
My parents generation and most certainly my grandparents generation didn't have this mind set. The mind set of those generations was hard work. Yet I've watched as people that can only afford an $80,000 house attempt to purchase a $200,000 house and then get mad when it doesn't work out because "they deserve" that house. Many times when these situations happen and the bank takes something back the people that couldn't afford the home destroy it. Really? When did you become entitled to destroy something because you couldn't afford it? I don't understand the mindset.
The same mindset that occurs with the idea that every child deserves a trophy for participation. Nope. Sorry. In real life, it doesn't work that way. When I do interviews, I don't send you consolation paychecks for participating though you didn't get the job. That seems a bit ridiculous to think, but we're essentially telling our kids the same thing by rewarding them simply for participating. I'm not saying that there's not value in positive reinforcement, but can we get off of the notion that every kid deserves to be the best and particularly if it's your kid?
Mommy and Daddy are making life too easy for their kids in today's age. Helicopter parents, yep you're a problem. Let your kid fight a few battles on their own, they'll thank you later in life. Don't pay all your kid's bill when they're an adult and trying to make it on their own. They'll quickly learn what's a priority, a necessity, and a pleasure. Not that you shouldn't help your kids some if you can, but let them learn the value of making it on their own, of making tough choices, of earning what they have.
No parent wants to see their child struggling. It's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking to watch someone take your child's seat at their birthday party. I watched it happen at Maui's party with her friends this year. I watched her say that it was her seat and the other child respond that so and so told them to sit there. I could have just as easily went to that child and asked them to move because it was Maui's party and her seat, but I didn't. Why? Because it's important for her to decide what's worth fighting for and what's not. Her decision was to find another seat and enjoy the rest of her time with her friends because that chair wasn't that important. Does part of me wish she'd have said "that's my seat and it's my party?" Yep, but she didn't and I'm ok with that. That's who she is, not who I am.
I want to protect her from every negative comment, every uncomfortable situation, and every time she tries to find her worth in what others think of her or the way she looks. I want that for all of my girls. I want them to know the difference between getting walked on and making peace. I want them to know that they're worth fighting for because of the kind, beautiful, caring soul they are inside. I want them to know that they are beautiful inside and out. God made them that way. I want them to know their value in Him and not this world. I want them to know their beauty in the way He sees them, in the way Rob and I see them, not in the way the world defines beauty.
How do you do that? How do you not fight for them? Because you learn that sometimes they have to struggle to find value and determination. It's hard. It's hard for them and it's hard for you. But you do it. You do it because you won't always be around and they have to be able to survive without you. I don't want my children to not know the value of money because I've always given them everything they've asked for without working for it. I don't want them to not know how to resolve conflict because I've always fought their battles for them. What happens to them when I'm gone if I do that? Did I really make their life better? Or did I make them feel entitled and now they can't function in society because I'm not here to do it for them.
I can't wait to buy the book On Fire by John O'Leary. I was reading Hands Free Mama's blog www.handsfreemama.com from March 29, 2016 and she referenced this book. I was awe struck. I thought of the incredible strength of not only this man, but also his mother. How easy it would have been for her to take away his struggles, but she chose not to. Not because she didn't love him, but more so because she loved him and wanted him to succeed in life. She wanted him to have strength, character, and know the value of hard work.
We can choose. We can choose to do things for others and for ourselves or we can choose to have them done for us. We can choose to forgive even when it's hard or we can choose to hold a grudge. We can choose to act like we're entitled to the things of this world or we can choose to work hard for what we have and value it because we worked hard for it.
We're not entitled to forgiveness, but we often hope for and ask for it. I'm amazed at how hard Maui works to make sure she's forgiven if she thinks she's hurt someone. I'm also amazed at how willing to forgive she is if someone hurts her. Every bit of me wants to tell her something witty to say back and stand up for herself. I don't. I remind her that she's a smart beautiful girl and the things others say is a reflection of their heart, not hers. I remind her that she can choose to forgive them and prove how beautiful she is on the inside or she can let it ruin her day and they win. She chooses to forgive every time. Even when it's hard. She forgives when they haven't asked for forgiveness. She has the heart of Christ. She's not entitled to it, but she's asked for it, she's worked hard to understand it, and she believes it. It's a choice. The best one.
Parents let's do our kids a favor. Let's not let them believe that they are entitled to everything in this world just because they want it. Let's not make them think that when they just start out they deserve the life you have without working for it. I had to work to get the things I have and I most certainly don't expect my children to have it fresh out of the gate, because they haven't worked for it yet. We owe it to them to instill value in them. Value in who they are, and to take care of and value the things that they have. We owe it to them to let them work hard so they know how sweet winning is. Often you don't know how great it is until you've failed a time or two. There are very rarely consolation prizes in the adult world, let's stop giving them to our kids when they participate. When we do they gain the mindset of entitlement and that's something that isn't a favor, it's a hindrance.
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