When you are first married, it's hard to believe that anything will ever come between you and the one you love. You can't imagine putting anyone or anything else before your spouse. The love is pure, it's simple and it's easy. I knew that there would be struggles, that's part of life. What I didn't account for is that sometimes you have to make a choice to love. You have to be intentional in your love. Sometimes, life comes in a whirlwind and you forget. You let your guard down.
I've wrote, rewrote, wrote again, and may even yet again rework this piece. I've been in a place of hurt. A place of trying to overcome. A place of forgiveness. And lastly, but most importantly, a place of love and grace. As I've worked and reworked this piece, each of those emotions has flown freely. When I started this blog, it was so my girls would know more about our lives and where they come from. One day, when they're old enough to understand life, I hope they read over this dark season of my life and learn. I hope they learn not to react out of anger, sadness, or fear. I hope they learn that they can
choose to
act out of love, grace, and kindness and through that, offer forgiveness...even when it's not easy. I also hope that someone else out there beside my girls can take away not only those lessons, but also know that they are not alone, that there is hope and that they can overcome what seems like the impossible.
As I've gone through this season (and honestly, I'm still working through it), the following verse has stood strong in my mind:
Genesis 50:20 What the enemy meant for evil, God meant for good. That has been my hope. That has been my prayer. I have a peace that in fact good will come from this season. Not only for my family, but for others as well.
Spiritually out of shape. Words that I heard at church that hit home in a couple of ways. Yes, in certain aspects, I'm spiritually out of shape. It also reminded me that my relationship is out of shape. And I let both get that way. I let not having a church home become an excuse to distance myself in my relationship with God as did my husband. When we did that, it became easy to let the wheels come loose in other areas of our lives too. We
have to keep God at our center to be functioning in our relationship with each other.
Bold. Are you bold in your faith? That was also asked at church and my answer could only honestly be sometimes. How do these two things tie together for what you're about to read? It's simple what you'll read below is an honest raw emotional writing that isn't pretty. It isn't tied up in a pretty package with a bow. But the two lessons from church applied because one: not only have I/we be complacent with our spiritual journey, we've ignored and been lazy with our marriage too. Issues that we've needed to address for a long time, we pushed off. We've let down our guard. Two: boldness in faith. Again, you may wonder how this ties together. Again I say that it's simple. We could let the fear of judgment stop us from sharing this journey. But we know that doing so will stop the message that needs to reach someone. God's got a plan. His plan will bring glory from the ashes as only He can.
So as we share this journey and our story, keep in mind, that judgment is easy. It's easy to forget that we all struggle. We all fall short. We all sin. This is a story of addiction. It's a story of hurt. It's a story of struggle. It's also one of hard work, love, forgiveness, and victory. So before you judge me, my husband, or our family, understand that I share this because I know that someone else needs to know that they aren't alone and that they will be alright.
It seems to happen out of nowhere. You become complacent. You stop actively praying over certain areas of your life because they seem ok. You slowly notice change, but because you don't want to believe it, you ignore it. Then it becomes too obvious to ignore. Too painful to hide. It slips in like a shadow in the night, when your guard is down. When you least expect it.
My husband has a problem. He has for years. For many years, I tried to pretend it didn't exist. For other years, I'd hit a boiling point, we'd fight, he'd promise to stop, and we'd carry on. We are all flawed human beings that sin. I sin. You sin. We all sin, it's just in different ways. Accountability comes when we stop hiding our secrets for fear of what others think of us. Some people will judge you no matter what you do. That's a reflection of their heart. But when we stop keeping the painful secrets, we find out who our true friends are. The ones that will walk with us in our dark and difficult times. The ones that will hold us accountable for our actions and behaviors and help us overcome. The ones that don't judge us because of our sins, but choose to love us anyway.
My husband is addicted to pornography. Those are hard words to admit. For years I've been ashamed. Ashamed of what he does. Ashamed that I'm not good enough. Fearful that someone would find out. It's a dangerous game that we play with caring what others think about us. From the outside we're picture perfect. But inside we're falling apart. Satan doesn't care. He doesn't care how picture perfect you are; he knows your weaknesses. And he slips in like a thief in the night. As we let our guard down, he sneaks further in. For my husband, stress sends him spiraling. I know this, and even still, didn't refortify the fortress with the specific prayers that I know I need to to protect his heart and mind.
What makes this so difficult is that I love my husband. I don't want to be without him. I'm not sure if it makes me stupid, weak, strong, or something else. But this I do know: I vowed to love him in good times and bad. This has been a bad time. You can't sugar coat that. I don't condone what he did. In fact I hate it. It's one of those hate the sin, love the sinner things. So what do you do? You pray. You believe God has a plan bigger than you can see. You know that God wants your marriage to succeed.
Why write this? There's someone out there that feels like they're alone. Someone that feels not good enough. You are not alone. It is not your fault. You can't control what your spouse chooses to do. You can only control how you react. If you are that spouse, you're not alone either. If you feel embarrassed, that you struggle with this, there are others that understand. Rob struggled sharing this story because of embarrassment. There's embarrassment on both sides, however, there is help. There are others that can understand and help you cope with whatever is driving you to this destructive path.
I know that some of you will read this and think "it's just a little porn, what's the big deal?" It's a BIG deal. HUGE. It divides. It drives wedges. It sets unrealistic expectations. It leaves someone feeling broken. It causes hurt. I causes relationships to end. It's a big deal. Just as you wouldn't sit there and say "it was only an affair" you can't sit and minimize the harm that is done by pornography. It's destructive in ways that go beyond understanding. Families, relationships, self-worth, they can all be destroyed in just a click of the button. It's a real problem that most don't want to hear about because it's taboo. It's time for that to stop.
Over time, I've realized that there's more than just this that's been an issue for us. We've stopped communicating and putting each other first. Honestly, this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Here's the bottom line: you aren't alone in this journey. I know how lonely it feels. I know how hard the tears fall. How mad, embarrassed, angry, hurt, and betrayed you can feel. It's ok to reach out, to find someone that understands what you're going through, you're not alone. My husband knows the shame that's felt. The embarrassment of others finding out. But we share our story because if it can help someone else going through this, then God wins and that's what we want.
People will judge you. People will judge your spouse. Those people forget that they too sin, that they aren't sinless. As I tell my daughters, that's a reflection of their heart, not yours. It says more about them than it does you.
Here's the bottom line, don't let down your guard. Pray. Be the support that someone needs. Don't be afraid or ashamed of needing to reach out. Hiding secrets doesn't make you better. When you let down your guard, you suffer, as do those around you. And always remember, God's got a plan. Glory will come from your ashes if you remain faithful. Don't let your guard down. Pray. Pray over your relationship in the areas that you know are tempted and weak. This story isn't finished. There's more to be told.
When I began writing this, it was a place to vent my frustrations and hurt. My original posting, I honestly believed was beneficial. However, the more time that passes and the more things we work through, I see a lot of anger and hurt in the words that I thought I had so carefully chosen. Rob and I have sought counseling for not only his addiction, but for our marriage and communication issues. Nobody wants to admit that they have let things slip, that they aren't where they need to be. Pride doesn't heal us, it hurts us. We've swallowed our pride for the good of each other and our family. It hasn't been easy. In fact, some things can still make me tear up instantly because hurt runs deep. But we can choose to learn, forgive, and move forward. We're moving forward.
What Satan intended for harm, God meant for GOOD. I'm standing firm on that promise. There will be days that we struggle both individually and together, but we'll be ok. We love each other and know that there's a forgiving love much bigger than us that will see us through. And through this journey we're learning not to let our guard down.
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3
