Front and Center

I always say that you have to have some bad times so that you can really appreciate the good times. Most typically, I use it in relation to work and how much I've learned from some of those experiences. That saying is also applicable to my every day life as well.

I was working late one night last week. Before I wrapped up for the night I decided to change out the girls' pictures with their most recent school ones.  I was a frame short (the twins typically share pictures). As I was trying to decide what picture to cover up, one of Rob and I seemed to make the most sense since there are multiple ones of us throughout my office.  As I was evaluating what to do, I moved the one I had been eyeing covering up to another frame.

Why the dilemma? The picture is a great picture of us. It was taken at the Valentine's Gala in 2017. Honestly, it's one of the best pictures we've taken. But that's not it. The picture shows a picture perfect couple. What it doesn't show is the heartache and turmoil surrounding it. I see so many things in this picture: I see the tears that were cried because I wanted to look beautiful, not "fine." I see the girl that felt like her world was falling apart at the seams, but was trying desperately to hold it together. I see hurt being masked because everyone is always watching, so smiling was easier.

But I didn't cover it up. I didn't hide those memories with one of a cute kiddo. No, I left it front and center. Not to dwell on the past. Not to drudge up old memories that quite frankly hurt as I've shared with what happens when you let your guard down. Honestly, that seems like a lifetime ago, though it hasn't been that long.

I left it up, because I see so much more when I look at it. I see a couple who fought hard; damn hard for the life and love that they have. I see a couple determined to overcome what seemed impossible, but learned that through grace, love and faith in God, we could restore our life. I see a couple that knows that we can make it through just about anything if we hold true to each of those things.

I've said before, that I believe this life, my life is a fairy tale. That's not to say fairy tales are all perfect and without heartache. In fact, most have some pretty ugly parts before they get good.  Fairy tales aren't promised to always be shiny and full of roses. It's more expected that they will be splattered with dirt and tears, and that's ok. Why? Because we can't truly appreciate the good times without having gone through some bad ones. Sometimes those reminders are worth leaving front and center.

So I leave the picture there as a reminder, not to take this for granted. Not to forget how blessed I am. A reminder to remember to work hard for what I've got, not only in my marriage, but everything else I do. Most importantly, it's a reminder of keeping my priorities in line: God, marriage, family, work...sometimes that's hard, but I know from experience that things start to crumble when I fail to do just that. That knowledge is worth the lessons we learned and worth keeping a reminder right in front of me all of the time.

A Fairy Tale Life

When you think about a fairy tale, what do you see? A wedding? Cinderella? A rags to riches story? Or do you think about your life?

I believe that this life, the one that I live, is a fairy tale. Now don't get me wrong, there are some days that I look around and my house looks like it needs the Cinderella from the early years.  The days when there are four load of laundry to be washed, folded, and put away. The days when the dishes abound and the dust on the mantel is thick, you'd find it odd to say that my life is a fairy tale. But I'd argue that it is just that.

A fairy tale isn't that picture or moment in time where all of the stars align. Most people think of weddings as fairy tale events, heck the real life princesses of the world are expected to set that standard. It looks pretty for the camera and that's what we as a society have been trained to believe life should be, that picture perfect moment in time.

I see it different. I see messes and tears; laughter and joy; pain and hurt; love and happiness. When I see those things, when I look around and see the life I've been blessed with, I see my fairy tale. Fairy tales are what you choose to believe they are. I choose to believe that these faces, the ones that make messes, make me crazy, make me mad, make me laugh, give me grace, show me love and happiness far beyond anything that I ever imagined are what make this life a fairy tale. I have a husband that loves me through the good times and the not so good times (I think of them as character building times, but not bad times) and believes in me and all of my crazy dreams.  I've been entrusted with four of the most beautiful souls you'll ever find and that I love with all of my heart.  I've been blessed with a job that I'm forever grateful for and that has opened more doors of opportunity than I could have ever imagined.

I see my fairy tale as this life. The one that I want to drink in every second of. The days that are hard because they make me appreciate the good ones. The days so full of happiness and giggles, I think my heart may explode. The funny words and inside jokes, that's what makes life a fairy tale.

No, it isn't a moment. It isn't perfect, but I don't think it's supposed to be. It's what you make it and what you choose to believe. I choose this, the blessed beyond what I deserve, gift from God life to be my fairy tale. You only get one life, why not make it a fairy tale one?

The Judgment Train

I have a confession, sometimes I judge people. I look at a picture posted and roll my eyes. I see the mushy post and roll my eyes. I think "that's posed" "they can't be that happy." In my mind, I want to be happy for them and believe that it's really as great as the picture portrays, but the cynic in me just doesn't.

But who am I to judge that? Why am I so quick to jump on the judgment train? Am I the only one who does that? What do I know about the circumstances surrounding that person? The honest answer is that I don't, and it's really unfair of me to automatically jump there.

That got me to thinking, why do I go there? I'm not jealous of these people. I don't want to be them. No, I'm pretty content and satisfied with my life. In fact I'm blessed beyond what I deserve. So why then do I find it so easy to hop on that train of judgment? The more I've thought about it, the more my mind has been coming back to this: there's something I'm not turning over to God.

It's become clear to me that when these thoughts come to my mind instead of rolling my eyes, perhaps I need to close my eyes in prayer. Maybe I need to pray that that couple is as happy as that picture appears and that God blesses them for many more happy pictures. Maybe I need to pray that the feeling that person had when they wrote the mushy post never fades. I'd love to see more marriages succeed instead of fail, so why not love the happiness that they're sharing?

See it's not a them problem, it's a heart problem, sometimes it's my heart. I tell my girls that if someone is being unkind to them, it's not really about my daughter, it's about the other person's heart. Apparently that's true of my heart as well. My heart needs to remember to be prayerful for others, and not just those that I'm close to, but everyone that I encounter. I need to remember to turn my negative thoughts into prayerful moments and hope for the future.

Today in church, the title was "who do you resemble?" It seemed to be exactly what my heart and mind had been thinking. When I'm passing judgment, I'm not resembling my maker. When I'm offering love and hope, I am. That's the person I want to be, the one that resembles God, not the one riding the judgment train.

It's easy to be a critic, it's the sinful nature of us all. It takes a bigger person to be a cheerleader and hope for and believe the best for others. So from now on, I'm going to work harder on praying for you, and being your biggest fan. I want to help raise you up. If we all believed in each other and cheered each other on instead of judging each other, we'd be so much better off.  I'm hopping off the judgment training and onto the train of hope and love!

Here's to you and your happiness!!

Beachin' It

I have a love for the ocean. Next to the middle of nowhere in the country, it's where I want to be. I seriously love it all, down to the sand that somehow makes it into your bed regardless of how clean you are. So when the kids began mentioning wanting to go to the beach, we decided for our family vacation, the beach is where we would go.

I was a little nervous about the car ride and the sleeping in an unfamiliar environment with the kids, but they were fantastic from the word go.  They'd been looking forward to our trip for months, and their excitement showed! I'll never forget the smiles and squeals of delight when they caught their first glimpse of the ocean when we rolled into town.

The trip exceeded my hopes and expectations. Everyone was so good and enjoyed every second of it. It was exactly what family vacations are supposed to be, relaxing, fun, and time to just soak it all in.

I watched my babies go from being the timid little girls swimming at home, to fearless jump into the deep end of the pool girls.  Aspen mastered the running jump "like Maui."

They giggled as they buried each other in the sand.  Oohed and awed at surprise fireworks from our balcony. Ran with glee as the waves chased them in. Maui loved trying to surf the waves. They built sandcastles, one of the favorites was late night building. They decided we weren't coming home and that everyone could come visit us at "our beach house" (I think they enjoyed themselves)!

Rob and I got to soak it all in. We got to enjoy the giggles, the laughter, and the fun without all of the distractions. It's the little things that we often get too busy in the everyday hustle and bustle and don't slow down enough to enjoy.  But there's something so freeing about saying yes to things that you'd normally say no to because there's nothing stopping you. Yes, you can play in the foam party bubbles and sand before we sit down for dinner. Yes, you can have sno-cones as we head up for lunch.  Because it's those little things that bring out the inner-child in us all. It's fun playing in the sand. It's fun finding just the right shell for your castle. It makes for great stories and laughter when there's a fake crab on the beach that scares you half to death. It does a heart good. It's in those little things you find joy and memories that last a lifetime.

Watching our girls be carefree kids. Watching them grow. Watching them love with abandon. Watching them be the beautiful people God made them to be and realizing every single second how blessed I am to get to be a part of it.  Making memories with the ones that fill my cup up and over, that's the best part of beachin' it.

Wildflowers

Today was a challenging day. Not in a bad way, just in an it didn't go as I'd planned way. Frustration was mounting and almost pulled the day down into a spiral. Then, I slowed down and I saw it, the beauty of the moment. The beauty of just letting you be. Not you conforming to the idea of how I wanted you to be or act, but the beauty of you just being you.

So often it's easy to overlook that you are just trying to learn who you are and who you're meant to be. I'm so busy trying to keep you in a box, that I forget to let you be the wildflower that you are; that you're meant to be. When I actually let myself slow down and take it, I get to see it:

• You jumping over mole hills as you run anxiously toward your day (oh how I hope you never stop jumping over every mole hill in your life, treating them as just that, a mole hill, not a mountain in your way)
• You knowing, dressing, and believing that you are in fact a beautiful princess, but not letting that stop you from knowing you can take on anything and kick butt like a ninja
  
• Your determination to get where you want to go and fighting for it because it's something you believe in
• You skipping along the way without a care in the world
• Stopping whatever you're doing to check out the ladybugs as they crawl on the ground and marvel in their existence
• How quickly you're growing because I know one day your y's will be the l's that they're meant to be and you'll no longer need to sit on my "yap." And your p's will turn into f's and you'll want to tickle my feet instead of my "peet"
• You've gone from wanting me to read you our favorite book to me reading the first chapter of a "romance" novel you're writing
• You've grown from me picking out your clothes to being able to zip your own coat because "I can do it"

That's when I see it. I see that though I'm exhausted and feel like I'm not good enough to be your mommy at times, you inspire me. You inspire me and make me appreciate how blessed I am to soak in these moments if I just let myself.

You allow me to see that you live a life to be envied in the most awe-inspiring way. You're filled with hope, dreams, carefree determination, love and the belief that all is good. And though some days are exhausting and I wonder why I try, if I slow down and watch you, I get it. I get to see the joy and love of a life well lived and loved. 

You're wildflowers, you're not made to stay within the wall of a flower box that I've designed. So I'll watch you grow wild and free, because that's who you are and where you need to be. And though my heart may cry sometimes, I see the beauty in the wild and in you my sweet, sweet child.

My Two Cents

As I sit and observe the chaos that surrounds us following the latest attack on yet another school, my heart is saddened, angered, cynical, and hopeful. My heart breaks for the lives lost and the countless others that are forever altered because of someone else's selfish actions. Generally, I don't watch the news. When I became a mother, the constant negativity and constant fear mongering was too much. I know just enough to get by without wanting to move my children and husband into a bubble and never come out. It infuriates me to watch the loss of life become a playground for political agendas. Yet after every single tragedy, the same political lines are drawn and rather than fighting for a solution, we fight each other; leaving us no better off than we were before the horrific occurrence.

I've seen students march to the capitol for gun control. I'm watching the most powerful people in our government listening more to what children are saying than adults. I'm watching adults act like children in the wake of tragedy. With the movement from students on guns, there's talk of lowering the voting age, all while talking of raising the age to buy a gun and purchase tobacco. Does this seem insane to anyone but me?

Let me get this straight: you are not old enough or responsible enough to vote or serve in our armed forces until you are eighteen years of age. You are not old enough or responsible enough to purchase and use alcohol until twenty-one years of age. There are proposals to up the age considered responsible enough to use tobacco to twenty-one as well as to purchase a gun. Yet we think we should let children barely old enough to drive determine the leaders of our nation. What am I missing?

Do I think we should be able to own guns. Yes. Our country was founded on principles that included our rights to bear arms. Do I think that as a private citizen I need an assault rifle, probably not so much. Do I think that legislating tighter reforms for law abiding citizens to purchase and own a gun is going to prevent and solve the problem of mass shootings? Nope, not a chance. Here's why: you can't legislate morality. You can't put enough laws into place to prevent people from making choices good or bad. You can make it more difficult for law abiding citizens to purchase guns, but that's not going to stop the criminals from getting them. Trust me, if they want them bad enough, they'll find them. Laws don't matter to them. If they did, the fear of the repercussions from their actions would be enough to prevent it, but it doesn't.

It's all a matter of how much you want to buy into the brainwashing the media does. Pretend like it doesn't happen, but fear and hot topics are what drive the media. A school or work place act of violence provides the perfect playground for them to feast.

The cry for mental health funding and services is constant. Yes, these services are vital. Perhaps some things could be prevented if there were more funding for these services. Perhaps the billions of dollars that politicians spend slandering one another could find better use being filtered there. There's a novel concept.

It's a sad fact in this day and age that electronics have made it so easy for people to detach from reality. Video games, virtual realities, social media have essentially wrecked the family unit. More and more studies are finding a link between depression and suicide with electronics and online usage. Isn't it about time we take back our kids? Isn't it about time we took back our families? We're becoming weaker and weaker buying exactly what is fed to us via the internet, not seeing what's dissipating right in front of us. Studies show strong family connections reduce depression and suicide which in turn reduces the likelihood of violence.

People it's time we wake up. Let's restore our hope. Let's restore our future. Stand up to the mindless fear that is being fed to make you conform. Find your strength. Find your courage. Don't sacrifice what so many fought so hard for because of fear. That's my two cents.

It's Been A BIG Year!

Historically kicking off a new year brings hope and goals for the year, 2017 started out a bit different for us.  We started off the year celebrating Aspen and Afton turning two (though they weren't huge fans of their outfits hence the lack of a cute photo). We also found ourselves in a new church. This church would be exactly what we needed at exactly the right time.

See our 2017 started out strained.  We were without a church home and it showed. We were struggling in our marriage and Satan was picking away at any weakness he could find. Thankfully, our God is bigger and we landed in a church that would help get us through some of the tough days ahead. I could feel God saying "It's Me and Her" and we're all going to make it through this.

February brought the toughest days we'd seen in a long time. Valentine's day in itself isn't anything special to me, but the date February 14th is. Way back when in 2003 it was the date of the first date Rob and I went on. Strangely enough, it is also the day that it felt like our world was crashing down in 2017. We shared the straw that almost broke the camel's back in When You Let Your Guard Down. From there we had a choice to make, it would either define us or we could choose to keep fighting for what was important to us, US. We made the choice of us. The choice that started fourteen years ago. Thankfully we found our church home, Net Community, that helped us recenter God and our marriage. It wasn't easy, but through that I learned to let go. I learned to let go of a lot, and I tried to let it shine through to my parenting as well. More messes, more fun, (the laughter is totally worth most of the messes).

Those choices changed the course for the year and what would have normally been the hope of a new year, came a quarter of the way through. March brought Maui's 9th birthday.  We remembered how to dance in the rain and find the joy that comes through the raindrops. 

Some of us got (or gave) ourselves new haircuts (good-bye sweet baby curls).

In May, Rob and I took a trip to Mexico. We spent our time reconnecting and remembering how good we really have it. We remembered how important all the small things in life are because they really are what makes our life so great.

We spent the rest of the summer making memories with our kids. Playing at the park, eating ice cream way more than we probably should have, and laughing.

We got to experience some of the best gifts throughout our summer with our family. Maui went away to church camp for the first time and had a blast making new friends, though it was hard for me to believe she was old enough to go.

August brought a new school year. Maui began 4th grade at Beckemeyer, it was a big change for her, but she's adjusted well and is enjoying her new school. Brylynn began Pre-k this fall. I can't believe my sweet little girl is big enough for school, but she absolutely loves it and looks forward to it every day!

Now my babies are asking when they can go to school too...not yet, mama isn't quite ready!

Fall was marked with soccer and football. We've really come to love the fall season as a family. November was a whirlwind. We celebrated Bry's 4th birthday!

Over the years, we've continuously looked for houses that were big enough for our ever growing family. Nothing ever seemed right. This year we were yet again reminded that God's timing is perfect when we bought our forever home and said good-bye to the home that had been our first together. We were moving on and our realtor deserves some sort of award for dealing with us for the last eight years (Brandi Lentz)! On November 1, 2017 we closed on our forever home and couldn't be happier!

I had the honor of being sworn in as the Vice President of the Illinois Association of Court Clerks in November.

We also got Kevin the cat. For a cat, he's a pretty alright guy and has weaseled his way into our hearts and home. Thankfully, he and Tanner get along pretty well!

December brought us to our favorite holiday family traditions , memories, and celebrations in our new home.

We welcomed a new member to our family, our niece, Emilynn Grace Lemons!

We had the twins' 3rd birthday party (a little early) and a New Year's Eve party the same day to extend our time with family and friends!

 

It's been a big year. It's had ups and downs. It's seen tears of sorrow, laughter, and joy. Mostly, it's seen the beauty of love and a great reminder: 

Here's to 2018!