You've Got My Heart Kid

There are days when I feel like I'm doing alright at this mom gig. Today, Maui thanked me for always being there for her, even adding that I'm the best. Those are the good days. However, if you've ever been around kids for more than a minute, you know that it takes about 3.5 seconds for them to learn how to push your buttons. As a parent, you expect those days.

Then there are the days, that you cry after everyone is in bed. You cry because you hate how you feel. You cry because you feel hopeless. You cry because words sting. You wonder how to put those feelings back into the box and carry on like it ain't no thing.

The other night, you were sitting on my lap. As we sat, you asked me why I am always mad at you and always scream at you.  My first reaction was irritation. Then I was frustrated and hurt. It didn't matter what I countered with, you were sticking to your guns. Added bonus when I was putting you to bed, you told me I needed to brush my teeth because my mouth stunk. Most days I would have brushed that one off and made some goofy joke with you about it, but it just added insult to injury this night.

This was a night that I went to bed crying. I got up and watched you sleep. I laid next to you and kissed your sweet head and I felt awful. I hated that I made you feel like anything less than the absolute gift you are to me.

From the day you were born Brylynn, you've challenged me. You've tried my patience. You've made me work to know you, you're not the open book your older sister was. You've taught me things and made me learn how to adapt. You are you -- un-apologetically and perfectly you. I've always said that you are your father's child without a doubt and overall, you are, but you are also part me.

It took the other night, hearing the words that cut to my soul, and a couple of days of processing to figure it out, but you are mine. You stretch me because you are me. You're harder for me to handle because you are me. You are more emotional than me, but you don't know how to be soft with words. You ask the hard questions because it's easier than making small talk and you get right to the point. You're honest even when it's hard to hear. You're perfectly comfortable being by yourself, because you won't compromise what you want for what others want to do. You stand firm, there isn't a gray area with you, you get that from me. You are very matter of fact.  You are a younger and cuter version of me.

As I thought through the other night, I saw my side. I saw the frustrated mom that nobody wants to listen to unless she is seriously yelling to get someone's attention. I see the mom that is frustrated because the kids will listen to dad, but not mom when she says the exact same thing. I see the frustrated mom that sometimes can't make your tears go away when you don't know why you're crying.

Then I thought through your side and I see why your words are true to you. Mommy seems like she's screaming at me when she yells. When she yells, she must be mad at me. When it's 10:00 p.m. mommy really does need to brush her teeth. I see why you feel those things and I hate that I'm the one that validates those feelings.

It's not always that I have to yell. It's not always that my frustrations are high, but I get that when you're five and tired, that those feelings can rise to the top. That doesn't justify my short-comings or minimize your feelings, it simply states them in that moment very clearly.

But know this baby girl: you are mine. I will love you fiercely until my very last breath. I will spend every day loving you with every fiber of my being even when you're stretching me beyond where I thought I could go. You are me and I am you, and because we don't know any other way, we'll push hard through it all and love even harder.  We'll whisper a secret, we'll hug it out, and we'll always be there for each other. You've got my heart kid. You've got it all.

Cookie Cutter Kids

I remember back in my no child and single child days and my thoughts of "if I ever have a child they'll never act like that" or better yet, "my child will never do...."  Ahh, the blissful ignorance of no children or having a single well behaved child (or as I like to call them, trick children...you know the ones that make you think you've got this parenting thing down).

Now I have four. Four children that do not all act the same. Four children who on any given day can all be in sync or all out of sync. Four that may have it all together or be a hot freaking mess with no in between. I laugh at how silly I was with those thoughts from the early years!  Having four children, makes you more aware of the judgment that people have. It goes beyond the "you've got your hands full" comments. It's the looks of judgment when one (or more) act up. Guess what pal? I'm not raising cookie cutter kids, and I don't need your approval.

I'll be the first to admit that my kids are far from perfect, though in many ways I think they can be pretty close. They have their days where they can "please" and "thank you" and be the best behaved things you've ever seen. Those days are glorious for me as a mom. Realistically though, those days aren't every day, heck sometimes they are few and far between. Not because they haven't been taught those things. Not because we as their parents don't expect those things, but because they're kids and I'm raising Wildflowers.

So on the days when they are great, I'm grateful. Other days, you may see me sitting outside a dance class because one doesn't want to go back without me. So she sits with me as her sisters go. Then on the way home, she cries the entire time because she missed class. There are days when the back talk is real and friends don't get to come over and play.  There are days that they chant through the supermarket because they want some junk food that I wouldn't get. Then there are days that I give in because frankly I'm worn out and it's just easier.  Not always my proudest mom moments, but survival happens. It's these days that I pick up on the looks and comments more. As if you see something that I don't already see and know. Yep, my kid is acting up. Yep, that's not the socially acceptable norm. Yep, good for you and your judgment. Seriously, buddy I'm not an idiot. But you know what, you don't live my life. You have no idea how their day or my day has been, so you could probably chose to be a lifter and speak life instead of the jerk that you're being. The looks and comments aren't helpful in case you didn't know. And news flash, they're human, they have bad days, I have bad days; they aren't cookie cutters that we plopped out of box and all behave exactly as designed.

I see it in a way that you don't. In a way, I feel bad for you and that you don't have the pleasure of trying to manage four unique and beautiful personalities. I see the bond and the accountability that comes from missing out on something because someone couldn't tow the line of expectation so everyone missed out. I hate that you can't see the beauty of us letting them learn for themselves and learn from their mistakes. It's our job to mold these souls into people that can succeed on their own, love with their whole being, fight for what they believe in, be proud while being humble, can pick themselves up when they fall, and work hard for it all. Sometimes in order to get there, they learn the hard lessons, they cry in public, they throw a fit and miss out, they get a reward that you may deem unjust, but see, it's not up to you, it's up to me. So keep your looks of judgment and your underhanded comments that you think I'm too stupid to pickup on to yourself; these girls are doing just fine and they'll succeed with or without your approval.

Front and Center

I always say that you have to have some bad times so that you can really appreciate the good times. Most typically, I use it in relation to work and how much I've learned from some of those experiences. That saying is also applicable to my every day life as well.

I was working late one night last week. Before I wrapped up for the night I decided to change out the girls' pictures with their most recent school ones.  I was a frame short (the twins typically share pictures). As I was trying to decide what picture to cover up, one of Rob and I seemed to make the most sense since there are multiple ones of us throughout my office.  As I was evaluating what to do, I moved the one I had been eyeing covering up to another frame.

Why the dilemma? The picture is a great picture of us. It was taken at the Valentine's Gala in 2017. Honestly, it's one of the best pictures we've taken. But that's not it. The picture shows a picture perfect couple. What it doesn't show is the heartache and turmoil surrounding it. I see so many things in this picture: I see the tears that were cried because I wanted to look beautiful, not "fine." I see the girl that felt like her world was falling apart at the seams, but was trying desperately to hold it together. I see hurt being masked because everyone is always watching, so smiling was easier.

But I didn't cover it up. I didn't hide those memories with one of a cute kiddo. No, I left it front and center. Not to dwell on the past. Not to drudge up old memories that quite frankly hurt as I've shared with what happens when you let your guard down. Honestly, that seems like a lifetime ago, though it hasn't been that long.

I left it up, because I see so much more when I look at it. I see a couple who fought hard; damn hard for the life and love that they have. I see a couple determined to overcome what seemed impossible, but learned that through grace, love and faith in God, we could restore our life. I see a couple that knows that we can make it through just about anything if we hold true to each of those things.

I've said before, that I believe this life, my life is a fairy tale. That's not to say fairy tales are all perfect and without heartache. In fact, most have some pretty ugly parts before they get good.  Fairy tales aren't promised to always be shiny and full of roses. It's more expected that they will be splattered with dirt and tears, and that's ok. Why? Because we can't truly appreciate the good times without having gone through some bad ones. Sometimes those reminders are worth leaving front and center.

So I leave the picture there as a reminder, not to take this for granted. Not to forget how blessed I am. A reminder to remember to work hard for what I've got, not only in my marriage, but everything else I do. Most importantly, it's a reminder of keeping my priorities in line: God, marriage, family, work...sometimes that's hard, but I know from experience that things start to crumble when I fail to do just that. That knowledge is worth the lessons we learned and worth keeping a reminder right in front of me all of the time.

A Fairy Tale Life

When you think about a fairy tale, what do you see? A wedding? Cinderella? A rags to riches story? Or do you think about your life?

I believe that this life, the one that I live, is a fairy tale. Now don't get me wrong, there are some days that I look around and my house looks like it needs the Cinderella from the early years.  The days when there are four load of laundry to be washed, folded, and put away. The days when the dishes abound and the dust on the mantel is thick, you'd find it odd to say that my life is a fairy tale. But I'd argue that it is just that.

A fairy tale isn't that picture or moment in time where all of the stars align. Most people think of weddings as fairy tale events, heck the real life princesses of the world are expected to set that standard. It looks pretty for the camera and that's what we as a society have been trained to believe life should be, that picture perfect moment in time.

I see it different. I see messes and tears; laughter and joy; pain and hurt; love and happiness. When I see those things, when I look around and see the life I've been blessed with, I see my fairy tale. Fairy tales are what you choose to believe they are. I choose to believe that these faces, the ones that make messes, make me crazy, make me mad, make me laugh, give me grace, show me love and happiness far beyond anything that I ever imagined are what make this life a fairy tale. I have a husband that loves me through the good times and the not so good times (I think of them as character building times, but not bad times) and believes in me and all of my crazy dreams.  I've been entrusted with four of the most beautiful souls you'll ever find and that I love with all of my heart.  I've been blessed with a job that I'm forever grateful for and that has opened more doors of opportunity than I could have ever imagined.

I see my fairy tale as this life. The one that I want to drink in every second of. The days that are hard because they make me appreciate the good ones. The days so full of happiness and giggles, I think my heart may explode. The funny words and inside jokes, that's what makes life a fairy tale.

No, it isn't a moment. It isn't perfect, but I don't think it's supposed to be. It's what you make it and what you choose to believe. I choose this, the blessed beyond what I deserve, gift from God life to be my fairy tale. You only get one life, why not make it a fairy tale one?

The Judgment Train

I have a confession, sometimes I judge people. I look at a picture posted and roll my eyes. I see the mushy post and roll my eyes. I think "that's posed" "they can't be that happy." In my mind, I want to be happy for them and believe that it's really as great as the picture portrays, but the cynic in me just doesn't.

But who am I to judge that? Why am I so quick to jump on the judgment train? Am I the only one who does that? What do I know about the circumstances surrounding that person? The honest answer is that I don't, and it's really unfair of me to automatically jump there.

That got me to thinking, why do I go there? I'm not jealous of these people. I don't want to be them. No, I'm pretty content and satisfied with my life. In fact I'm blessed beyond what I deserve. So why then do I find it so easy to hop on that train of judgment? The more I've thought about it, the more my mind has been coming back to this: there's something I'm not turning over to God.

It's become clear to me that when these thoughts come to my mind instead of rolling my eyes, perhaps I need to close my eyes in prayer. Maybe I need to pray that that couple is as happy as that picture appears and that God blesses them for many more happy pictures. Maybe I need to pray that the feeling that person had when they wrote the mushy post never fades. I'd love to see more marriages succeed instead of fail, so why not love the happiness that they're sharing?

See it's not a them problem, it's a heart problem, sometimes it's my heart. I tell my girls that if someone is being unkind to them, it's not really about my daughter, it's about the other person's heart. Apparently that's true of my heart as well. My heart needs to remember to be prayerful for others, and not just those that I'm close to, but everyone that I encounter. I need to remember to turn my negative thoughts into prayerful moments and hope for the future.

Today in church, the title was "who do you resemble?" It seemed to be exactly what my heart and mind had been thinking. When I'm passing judgment, I'm not resembling my maker. When I'm offering love and hope, I am. That's the person I want to be, the one that resembles God, not the one riding the judgment train.

It's easy to be a critic, it's the sinful nature of us all. It takes a bigger person to be a cheerleader and hope for and believe the best for others. So from now on, I'm going to work harder on praying for you, and being your biggest fan. I want to help raise you up. If we all believed in each other and cheered each other on instead of judging each other, we'd be so much better off.  I'm hopping off the judgment training and onto the train of hope and love!

Here's to you and your happiness!!

Beachin' It

I have a love for the ocean. Next to the middle of nowhere in the country, it's where I want to be. I seriously love it all, down to the sand that somehow makes it into your bed regardless of how clean you are. So when the kids began mentioning wanting to go to the beach, we decided for our family vacation, the beach is where we would go.

I was a little nervous about the car ride and the sleeping in an unfamiliar environment with the kids, but they were fantastic from the word go.  They'd been looking forward to our trip for months, and their excitement showed! I'll never forget the smiles and squeals of delight when they caught their first glimpse of the ocean when we rolled into town.

The trip exceeded my hopes and expectations. Everyone was so good and enjoyed every second of it. It was exactly what family vacations are supposed to be, relaxing, fun, and time to just soak it all in.

I watched my babies go from being the timid little girls swimming at home, to fearless jump into the deep end of the pool girls.  Aspen mastered the running jump "like Maui."

They giggled as they buried each other in the sand.  Oohed and awed at surprise fireworks from our balcony. Ran with glee as the waves chased them in. Maui loved trying to surf the waves. They built sandcastles, one of the favorites was late night building. They decided we weren't coming home and that everyone could come visit us at "our beach house" (I think they enjoyed themselves)!

Rob and I got to soak it all in. We got to enjoy the giggles, the laughter, and the fun without all of the distractions. It's the little things that we often get too busy in the everyday hustle and bustle and don't slow down enough to enjoy.  But there's something so freeing about saying yes to things that you'd normally say no to because there's nothing stopping you. Yes, you can play in the foam party bubbles and sand before we sit down for dinner. Yes, you can have sno-cones as we head up for lunch.  Because it's those little things that bring out the inner-child in us all. It's fun playing in the sand. It's fun finding just the right shell for your castle. It makes for great stories and laughter when there's a fake crab on the beach that scares you half to death. It does a heart good. It's in those little things you find joy and memories that last a lifetime.

Watching our girls be carefree kids. Watching them grow. Watching them love with abandon. Watching them be the beautiful people God made them to be and realizing every single second how blessed I am to get to be a part of it.  Making memories with the ones that fill my cup up and over, that's the best part of beachin' it.

Wildflowers

Today was a challenging day. Not in a bad way, just in an it didn't go as I'd planned way. Frustration was mounting and almost pulled the day down into a spiral. Then, I slowed down and I saw it, the beauty of the moment. The beauty of just letting you be. Not you conforming to the idea of how I wanted you to be or act, but the beauty of you just being you.

So often it's easy to overlook that you are just trying to learn who you are and who you're meant to be. I'm so busy trying to keep you in a box, that I forget to let you be the wildflower that you are; that you're meant to be. When I actually let myself slow down and take it, I get to see it:

• You jumping over mole hills as you run anxiously toward your day (oh how I hope you never stop jumping over every mole hill in your life, treating them as just that, a mole hill, not a mountain in your way)
• You knowing, dressing, and believing that you are in fact a beautiful princess, but not letting that stop you from knowing you can take on anything and kick butt like a ninja
  
• Your determination to get where you want to go and fighting for it because it's something you believe in
• You skipping along the way without a care in the world
• Stopping whatever you're doing to check out the ladybugs as they crawl on the ground and marvel in their existence
• How quickly you're growing because I know one day your y's will be the l's that they're meant to be and you'll no longer need to sit on my "yap." And your p's will turn into f's and you'll want to tickle my feet instead of my "peet"
• You've gone from wanting me to read you our favorite book to me reading the first chapter of a "romance" novel you're writing
• You've grown from me picking out your clothes to being able to zip your own coat because "I can do it"

That's when I see it. I see that though I'm exhausted and feel like I'm not good enough to be your mommy at times, you inspire me. You inspire me and make me appreciate how blessed I am to soak in these moments if I just let myself.

You allow me to see that you live a life to be envied in the most awe-inspiring way. You're filled with hope, dreams, carefree determination, love and the belief that all is good. And though some days are exhausting and I wonder why I try, if I slow down and watch you, I get it. I get to see the joy and love of a life well lived and loved. 

You're wildflowers, you're not made to stay within the wall of a flower box that I've designed. So I'll watch you grow wild and free, because that's who you are and where you need to be. And though my heart may cry sometimes, I see the beauty in the wild and in you my sweet, sweet child.