Missing You 6/16/22

It's not the day that's hard. It's the days leading up to the day.

By this time we'd have had at least a hundred texts between all of the siblings about what to get Dad for Father's Day. We'd have decided who was buying what and Venmod money this way and that.

It was always a struggle figuring out what to get someone that didn't want anything. Kitchen gadgets, we'd bought them all at one point or another. Lotto tickets always made the cut. Usually a gift card to Casey's or one of the places he loved to eat were thrown in too.

But this year is different. We aren't scrambling to figure it all out. We're not trying to collect money from each other. This year is different. We're trying to figure out how to live without you.

I'm not worried so much about the day itself. Yes, it'll feel different not loading up the kids to come swim and eat burgers at the pond. It'll feel different just acting like it's a normal Sunday. It'll be different, but it's been the time leading up to it that's tearing my heart apart.

I think of the smiles. I think of the hugs. I think of the wait to see what the scratch off winnings were (generally a goose egg). I think of all the times we had and all the times we're going to miss. And I've thought about this for weeks.

It's not just me. We've all thought about it. Nobody's put a finger on the heavy sadness that's hit us each at different times over the last few weeks, but I think it's that another first is sneaking up on us that we are subconsciously aware of. It's because this one is publicized. It's a day just for Dads and ours isn't here anymore.

We've watched the profile pictures change to our friends and their dads. We're hearing commercials celebrating Dads. We're seeing the cards line the aisles at the stores. And each one is a reminder of what we're missing. You, we're missing you.

Maybe with each passing year, it'll get easier. Maybe with each passing year we'll be able to look back and smile more. Maybe one day it won't all feel so raw. Maybe, but this isn't the year.

I knew the firsts that we had without you would be hard. Birthdays, weddings, holidays, they would all be hard. What I didn't anticipate is the things that we did leading up to days that celebrate you would hurt.

Learning as we go. Learning to live a little differently because nothing will ever be the same. Learning that sometimes it's not the actual day that hurts, but the ones before. Learning that letting go can be really hard. Learning that being ok is a different kind of ok. Learning that I'll never stop missing you and that's ok. Learning that watching life happen and change without you will cut pretty much every single time. Remembering how much love there was and is, is why every single lesson hurts.

Forever missing you. Forever wishing things could have been different. Forever loving you.

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