I've been dreading this day for more months than I can count. To some it may seem silly. Honestly, in my own mind I know I'm probably being a bit ridiculous, yet here I sit, happy yet sad. The turmoil you ask? Your NINTH birthday.
Nine. Such a seemingly small number in the big scheme of things. Yet in my mind, it's a great big, huge, ginormous number. Nine means that now my sweet Maui, you are just as close to being able to leave me as you are having to stay with me. Somehow in the blink of an eye you've grown and I'll blink again and you'll be out the door to college. And those thoughts leave me sitting here with tears pouring down my cheeks.
They aren't sad tears in the sense that I don't want you to grow up. They're tears of a life that you've impacted in ways I could have never imagined. You were the first of so many things. You were the first answered prayer for a child. You were the first flutter in my heart that I felt when you kicked. You were the purest form of happy tears your daddy and I cried when we found out we were pregnant with you. Your cry on the day you were born was the best and sweetest sound I'd ever heard (the doctor laughed when I said that in the delivery room).
Everyone says it, "enjoy it, it'll fly by." Yes, yes it does. And I think that's why this number that you've been so excited to hit, has been so hard for me to accept. I know my time as your mom doesn't expire on your eighteenth birthday, but I know that you'll have the freedom to roam. And as your mama that wants to keep you here and safe forever, that's hard to think about.
So tonight as I rocked you, I breathed in your sweet smell a little longer. I watched your not so little hands turn the pages of our book that we read together. I watched your long eyelashes shine against blue eyes that see the good in so much and the love that shines through them. I marveled at you and wondered how on earth I was blessed enough to be your mama. As I rocked you and knew just how hard the morning would be. I asked you if I could always rock you no matter how big you were. You agreed. I wanted you to put it in writing, but you just smiled that pretty little smile and said "I'm not going to be one of those kids that goes away to college and doesn't care about their parents." So for the last time as an eight year old, I rocked you and sang you our songs. All the while hoping and praying that next year I'm still getting to do this and you haven't decided that you're too big for it.
My sweet child I hope you never lose the great qualities that make you you. I pray that you always follow the path God has designed for you. The love and compassion that you have for others is unrivaled. You amaze me everyday with the desire you have to help others. You looked at me tonight and said "mama, you inspire me to do good and help others." All I could do as my heart was melting is say " you know what's funny Maui? You inspire me to do the exact same thing."
So tomorrow we'll celebrate you. We'll celebrate the amazing human that you are. I'll fix you french toast and bacon for breakfast and spaghetti and garlic bread for lunch and I'll watch you smile like it's the best thing you'll ever eat. And I'll look at you and smile knowing that this day will forever be engraved in my memory. I'll look at you and wonder how I could ever love you more and know that somehow I will.
Something tells me that I'll forever look at you and see this little girl, no matter how big you get.
Something also tells me that I'll love you forever and ever my sweet baby.
Love,
Mom
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