A Look Back

I haven't sent out Christmas cards or letters in years. Not really because I didn't want to, but because I was never really sure what to say, then time always got away. However, as I sit here in one of the last days of 2016 I feel like I have things to reflect on.

I sit here realizing that I'm less than one week away from my babies turning two. TWO?! How on earth did that happen? When and where did that year go? Wasn't I just having these pictures taken, wondering how they turned ONE?

Don't blink, it happens too quick. My last babies, my last little bits of clay to help mold. It's amazing how fast they've grown, how much they've changed over this last year.

In fact, it's amazing to think of all of the things that have happened and changed in the last year in general. We started January out with a bang. The twins turned one, and then a week and a half later I landed in the hospital for an emergency surgery. That was an experience. I didn't need the appendectomy that I had, but it happened and my recovery took a bit longer than expected. All things happen for a reason, apparently the reason that I needed to have that surgery was so that I could meet the lady that became one of my best friends. That God, He's a funny guy! 

Speaking of God, our church life changed in January. Our pastor left and lots of things began to change within the church. We're still trying to find a place to call our home church. This change was one of the hardest for me this year. When you struggle to find a place to call home, it makes lots of areas of your life harder. Honestly, I miss the fellowship and conviction that I always found. This is the second time in our marriage that we've been on the hunt for a home church. I have faith that there's a reason that we're searching, and that we'll find where we belong, but it's hard. I think that God is trying to remind me to rely more on Him and less on how I think things need to be.

This past year I also started this blog (see my first post here). I really started it as an outlet for me, but I think that through some of it, it's resonated with others as well. It's something that I've enjoyed doing and hope that as my children grow, they will look back and learn a lot about their mom and their lives.

The next couple of months we celebrated Rob's birthday and then Maui's. Maui's birthday, that's another moment in the don't blink department. My first baby turned eight. I sound like every parent that ever lived, but how did she get so big? Shortly after her birthday she had her tonsils taken out after having tested positive for strep for six months in a row. 

In May, I had the wonderful opportunity to go on a trip with my sisters to Mexico, it was A Trip To Remember. Rob and I celebrated our eleventh anniversary in May also, time sure flies when you're having fun (and when you've got a love like this). We went and saw one of our favorites, Kenny Chesney a little later in the summer to celebrate.

We spent a large part of our summer at my dad's enjoying his pond. The kids all found new confidence in the water this year. It was fun to watch them enjoy get excited every time I said we're going to Papa's. 

I tried to really slow down and appreciate the tiny hands, the big messes, the smiles, and hugs. I realize that every day, they are getting bigger.  I loved taking them to do things that I did as a kid and hope that one day they'll do the same with their kids. We danced in the rain, we fed the fish, we went to the park. Nothing extravagant, but it was life and we lived it.

Work was crazy for me with people retiring and moving on. Finding the right people for the job kept me hopping for a while! I did before, but I appreciated my staff even more after those couple of months! I needed to remember my own life lessons from a doughnut and a puzzle!

We celebrated my grandma's 70th birthday in July with a surprise party. The look on her face and to see how happy she was to be with those that she loves was one that I hope I never forget. 

August came and we celebrated lots of birthdays. My niece turned one! Rob and I went to the Ozarks with some friends. It was my first, but hopefully not last, trip there.

Also in August came a broken heart. A broken heart that I'm still working through. I'm still trying to understand. I'm still trying to remember to trust God in this one because it's hard. I still cry. I still feel sad, and I can't explain it. Loss is tough. It teaches us lessons. It reminds us of what's important. It reminds us not to hold grudges because we never know what tomorrow holds. I'm trying to remember that we reap what we sow and cherish the memories that I've got to have.

In September Rob and I were able to get away. We took a long weekend and went to Knoxville and hit Nashville for the first time. It was nice to get away together. It's something that we don't do nearly enough, but I enjoyed every second. 

And because it seemed to be the thing to do this year, Bry had surgery as well. I'm not sure why, but her thirty minute procedure had me more nervous and worried than any of the others. Thankfully I've got some good friends that reminded me where I needed to lay those fears (at God's feet in case you were wondering).

I also started on a fitness journey and became a coach with Beachbody. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this good about myself!

In October I was able to run up to Iowa and surprise my sister Heather for her 30th birthday (yes, you may all be jealous because I have a husband that rocks and can handle the house in my absence)!

I also celebrated a birthday. Another year, another gift, another reason to be thankful!

I feel like I've started to come into my own this year. I'm no longer afraid of what others may think about who I am or what I've been through (I'm not fooling anybody). I've found the confidence and freedom that I needed to make me a better person. Hopefully in the long run, it's made me a better wife, mom, and servant of God too.

In November my sweet Brylynn turned three. She's so full of life and I'm amazed by her every day. She's become such great sister!

Also in November,I was blessed to be re-elected as Montgomery County Circuit Clerk. I'm thankful for another term to serve in a position that I love.

I also had the honor of being sworn in to the IACC Executive Board. It is such an honor and privilege for me to have been selected by my peers for that position. An added bonus, I get to serve alongside one of my dearest friends!

December is of course always a busy month. This year I let the kids decorate the tree by themselves. 

We did our annual gingerbread house. 

We hit the Woburn Christmas lights (another childhood memory of mine).

The night after Rob and I took the kids to see the lights, my mom and I did the same. We went after we stopped by to celebrate my other grandma's birthday with a piece of pie (I also learned that my grandma's two favorite pies are also my favorite pies). I'm so thankful for every visit we get to have with my granparents. I know how lucky I am to have them!

My mom and I also went and saw a late night showing of Christmas Vacation, complete with ugly Christmas sweaters! It was a fun night.

We sneaked in a visit with Santa.

We celebrated Jesus' birth and loved the time we had with family.

Right now, we have a lot of uncertainty with where Rob's job is. I'm telling myself that there's a reason that we're being tested through this. I'm learning to trust God more. Honestly, I feel like enough is enough, but the great powers that be in our state haven't gotten on board yet. So I'll sit and wait. And as I sit, I'll learn to pray more and worry less.

As I reflect on this year, I remember all the things I have to be thankful for. I have parents and grandparents that help us more than words describe. My grandpa went through a series of heart procedures that each time became a bit more worrisome, but he is doing ok. I have a wonderful husband and we have been blessed by four beautiful healthy girls .

The losses, the uncertainty, and the struggles that we've faced and are facing I know will be ok. I'm far too loved, far too blessed, and very much God's child for me to face adversity and not come out on top (whether it be in the way I think it should be or not). I will not let my fears consume me. I will trust in God's plan.

Looking back on the year brings smiles and tears, mostly lots of smiles. I choose to focus on the good and believe the struggles help shape us into better people. The hard times are there to remind me to trust God, not myself. So as I reflect on this last year, I will take the following verse with me to the new year: "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25

Here's to a fantastic 2017, I can't wait to see all the blessings that await!

When You Have No Words

As I sat there with you tonight, my heart broke. I listened to you and I tried to comprehend what you were saying. And I must admit, what you said struck a chord. Mainly because I'm guilty of believing it not to exist or maybe more so wanting to believe that it didn't. It's easy for me to sit back in my rural, predominately white community and think I have a clue. Our conversation proved just how much I have let the blinders of my rural life obscure.

I listened to you and I really had no words to give you. Sometimes that's alright because you just need a listening ear. But when we parted ways, my heart was heavy and I wished I'd have had the words. I don't have words for something I've never experienced, and honestly can't even pretend to understand.

I can't change the world or what happened to you. But what I can do, and what I promise  you, is that my children will be raised in such a way that your skin color won't matter. They will look and see you, the beautiful, gifted person that God made. They will see you for the person you are on the inside, not the color of your skin on the out. And they will love. They will love you for the beautiful person that you are. They won't judge you based on your race, they will judge you based on your character and even if they don't agree with you, they will treat you with respect. That I promise you. I promise you that because they will see it. I will model it. They will know that beauty, integrity, and worth is something that can't be judged from the outside.

I know this doesn't make what you are feeling better or easier. I know it can't erase the hurt that's been caused. I hope you know though, that not everyone is as narrow-minded and foolish as what you've encountered.

We've been led astray and we reap what we sow. I wrote these several months ago, but I feel the message is just as important today. What are we sowing? What are we teaching our children about the value of life? How are we showing that it's a person's skills that make them qualified, not their gender or skin color? It saddens me to think that someone I hold very dear to my heart has to try to explain to her children that to some, it does matter.

Call me idealistic. Call me out of touch. I'm ok with that. In my out of touch, idealistic world, I'll raise my children so that they don't have to listen to a friend and not have the words.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."     ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Yin Yang

Yin Yang: Two things that are seemingly different yet compliment each other to make it complete.

Have you ever looked at a couple and wondered how on earth it works because they appear to be so different? It kinda makes you wonder how they could possibly get along. The old saying that opposites attract must hold some degree of truth.

I've found the yin to my yang. Sometimes it makes me laugh at how different we are about certain things. Rob and I are a lot alike. We're both the first born and have the traits that most first born children do. We are both competitive (my sister bought us a card shuffler one year so that we would stop arguing over whether or not the other shuffled the cards good enough). We both think we have to be right. We both love sports (he a little more than myself). We both tend to be conservative thinkers. Yep, we're a lot alike, but we're also very different.

I'm a dreamer, he's pretty firmly planted on the ground. Which is good because Lord only knows how many houses, businesses, and children we would have if not for his more level head. He's my sounding board. I tend to feel and react. He makes me slow down and see the possible consequences to my path. Most major decisions I bounce off of him to make sure that I'm not going to regret it later. But me being a dreamer I like to think makes him see more of the possibility in life. We balance each other out like that.

Here's the other thing about him that always amazes me and makes me wonder how I got so lucky: he supports me without hesitation in everything I pursue.  I'm a perpetual seeker. I like to look for new opportunity all the time whether it's pursuing my education, house hunting, or dreaming of our next trip, he's got my back. He's sacrificed a ton so that I can pursue my crazy dreams (see the dreamer again), and he doesn't complain.

I often think that there's a reason that God put me in the position that I'm in and not him. There's no way I could wear the shoe. Nope, the first time you said something about my husband that I knew wasn't right, the fiery side of me would show in a heartbeat. Not him. He handles it all with grace and patience that I can't fathom. If it bothers him, you won't know.  Yin Yang.

The little things in life drive him crazy, but a huge disaster, he's got it under control. Me, I'm more of the let things go and life will be fine kind of person. I see the freedom in things, he sees the reason. I'm more of a glass half full person, he not so much. We need each other to be balanced and complete.

Yin yang: two seemingly opposite things that balance each other out. I think God knew what he was doing when he gave me Rob. I needed him, and I think he needed me. And when you've got a love like this, you've got it all!

Matthew 19:5-6

You Know What? I'm A Pretty Darn Good Mom

I've mentioned it before that I get that feeling like I'm somehow failing at this whole being a mom thing. I'm not a crafty mom and most things I attempt would make the Pinterest fail list in a heartbeat. I'm not a great chef, and my kids eat more chicken nuggets and pizza than I'm proud to admit. Heck some days I'm making more messes than the kids (remember What I Learned From A Puzzle In The Washing Machine?).  My house definitely has the lived in look.

So basically, I'm not Betty Crocker, I'm not Martha Stewart, and I'm not June Cleaver. I'm me, the mom that works a full time job, buys all costumes and party supplies, orders more meals out than she cooks (though I'm getting better on this fitness journey), sends her stained clothing to her grandma's for help, and whose house probably would be a pigsty without her husband.

But here's the bottom line, despite all of my shortcomings (and I know there are plenty), I'm a pretty darn good mom. Yep, I am. Here's why: my almost nine year old still thinks my kisses are magical and that they heal boo boos. All four of my girls' faces light up when I come home and they run to hug me. I let them make messes that I really don't want to clean up (hello PlayDoh and ice cream cones)! I know all the words to I Love You Through and Through, Pinkalicious, Llama Llama Red Pajama, and There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed  A Fly by heart because at one point in time all four of my girls have loved those books. I make up a song about poop so my three year old will go to sleep (an odd request, but it makes her and her big sister giggle the sweet giggles that I love).

It's not an all inclusive list, but it reminds me that as I fix another broken bracelet or doll, wipe markers off my counters and cabinet, and remake beds and refold clothes that I just folded, I'm doing alright. I let them help make dinner (when I actually cook) and wash dishes, and it all comes with added messes. I do it because I love them and want them to be happy. I may lose my temper on occasion and yell when I shouldn't. I may get frustrated because I have a screaming kiddo clinging to my leg and I'm just trying to get dinner made.

I hope I'm teaching them to love through the messes and to forgive the mistakes. I hope through all that I'm not, I'm showing them all that I am. I'm pretty sure that being real and the best me, even on my not so great days, makes me a good mom.

At the end of the day, it's me they want to hug, to fix things, and to kiss boo boos. I know that it won't last forever because they're getting bigger. But it also tells me, that despite the fact that I'm not perfect, I'm a pretty darn good mama. And I'll take that everyday of the week.

For My Mama Friends

Here's to you mama. Here's to the hours that nobody sees. The hours of doing it all. Nope, you're not a single mom, but most of the time you feel like it. And it's hard. Damn hard. Not everyone gets it, but some of us do even though we're not in your shoes.

Your the glue behind the scenes. You're the one that gets called when somethings not going right. You drop everything and try to fix it. Whether that's running after a part, taking someone to the next vehicle, or picking up a sick kid from school, you've got it. You're there.

You spend hours making meals, doing laundry, washing dishes, and cleaning. You make sure everyone else is taken care of before you even think about taking care of yourself. Some weeks you're not sure when your last real meal was or when you washed your hair. There's housework, yard work, school, after school, pick ups, drop offs, groceries, the list really never ends. Yet you do it, day in and day out without missing a beat.

You fix boo-boos, sew on buttons, run food to more than just your husband. You dry tears when the kids are sad. You answer the questions that if you had it your way, you wouldn't field; they'd be his. You go to sleep often by yourself only to get up and do it all again the next day.

You don't complain even though it quite frankly sucks. You hold it together when the wheels are falling off and do it with amazing grace. You show love and grace without asking anything in return. You support a crazy life and his wild ideas and make it look easy.

You have your own interests and desires. You often push those aside to be the rock that you are for everyone else. Sometimes you forget who you are. You forget how special you are. I'm here to remind you: You my sweet friend are AMAZING! You are so much stronger than you know. Your faith and love are second to none. I admire the heart and soul that you pour into your life even when you feel like you're failing and not doing it right. You show grace and compassion, dignity and strength. You make me proud of you and proud to be your friend.

Don't ever forget who you are. Yes, you are the farm wife, the lineman's wife, the coach's wife, the army wife, but you are more than just that. You're the glue. You are you, and you're pretty damn amazing. Don't lose you. I see you. I get you. You are loved.

Reaping What We Sow

I read a devotional every morning when I get up. Some hit home a little more than others. I had one the other day that really stuck with me and made me wonder what I'm sowing.  This particular devotion was directed mostly toward what we reap in regards to our children, but it made me ponder beyond that.

As parents we constantly wonder if what we are doing is the right thing. We constantly struggle with how what we are doing will shape our children. Will we scar them for life with the one mistake we made? Are we too hard or too easy on them. The questions and the self doubt are constant.

When we are in school we're pushed toward continuing our education so that we can get a better job and have more than the generation before us. So we work through school. Sometimes that work pays off and sometimes it doesn't.

In life we encounter people from all walks of life. How we treat those people shapes not only who we are, but who they are. That's something that we often don't think about. The simple cause and effect of our life.

See I'm really good at pouring myself into my children. I try to give them my best. I don't always succeed. I want them to have happy memories of their childhood. I want them to remember mommy doing fun things with them. I of course want them to have more than I had. Most importantly though, I want them to know that they are loved. I want them to never ever doubt that. I want them to know my love and God's love.

As a child, my family wasn't rich. I never went without, or if I did, I didn't know it. My dad worked hard for us to have what we had. My mom was able to stay home and care for us. Both shaped me into who I am today. I remember the fun non-monetary things like picnics mom used to take us on. I remember dad working at night, but making sure he got us up every morning for school to make us breakfast. I knew love. I may have doubted lots of things as a child, but I never had to doubt that. I reaped what they sowed.

I work. I work hard. I'm fortunate enough to be in a job that puts me in a supervisory position. I am in a position to work with people from all walks of life. This position allows me the greatest opportunity to reach others. This is the area that I probably struggle with the most in reaping what I sow. I'm not sure that I'm doing what I'm supposed to to be a light for others, but I'm trying.

I've taken on a new venture in my health. As I've gotten older, my body is showing me that I reap what I sow. I've decided to sow to be a better me. Better for me, better for my family and hopefully help out some others on the way. And when I'm a better me, I'm better at all the other roles that I play.

Today I visited with my grandparents. Today I really watched my kids interact with my mom. I watched them interact with my grandma and my dad. And do you know what I saw? I saw memories. I saw love. I saw adults reaping years of sowing. It hasn't always been easy for them. There were times when they could haven thrown in the towel for a thousand different reasons but they didn't. And because they chose not to. Because they continued to pour themselves into me, my parents, my kids, I see it in their eyes. I see the love and happiness that can only come when you've truly reaped what you sow. I see it in the eyes of my kids and it fills my heart with joy.

I'm a work in progress. I want to sow better seeds in all walks of my life so that what I reap is that much sweeter. I'm forever thankful for a family that gives me grace to continue to try to get it together. More importantly, I'm forever grateful for God's unfaltering love that let's me truly see the gifts I've been given. Be patient with me, I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to be better in all that I do for you and for me because I know that I reap what I sow.

Galatians 6:7

Working Through A Broken Heart

I haven't slept well since I got the call. The heaviness in my chest is more constant than not. The lump in my throat comes more quickly than it goes. The tears spring almost anytime there's a lull in my day and my thoughts drift to you.

To some it may seem silly. It's been around two years since you were actively a part of this family. Heck it'd been close to a year since we'd talked last. Yet, I find myself saddened in a way I can't explain. The more I think about it, the harder it is. Perhaps it's because in my heart I always knew, hoped, and believed that you'd be back. This is where you belonged, you were my family.

I watched you for years. I watched you grow, struggle, fail, succeed, wonder, and hope. I saw you make mistakes, I saw you learn.  I saw you find a new path that had so much possibility for you. You were there at all of our family functions and you were just one of us. When you stopped being there, in my mind, I thought one day you'd be back. Now I sit here with tears in my eyes because what I was so sure of is not to be. You're gone.

I cry. I cry for you, for the life you didn't get to have. I cry for me because losing you makes my heart sad. I cry for your family as I can't imagine the pain that they have. I cry for your friends because they too have a hole, a void that can't be filled. I cry for my family because your passing has crushed us too.  I cry because there are questions I have that I'll never know the answer to. I wonder where you landed on conversations we had, particularly on your salvation. Not knowing makes me cry, so I hope; I hope you made that decision.

When something was wrong, you called us. If you needed us you knew you could count on us, and us you. My doors will forever be the "doors that Kris hung" because that's the kind of guy that you were, willing to help. That's part of what made us family. Us not being blood, not having constant contact, not even the fact that we hadn't seen you in a while because of other reasons could change that. You were a part of us, and we were a part of you. You were our family, and us yours, you belonged.

That's what makes this so hard, because you were loved regardless of time, distance, or mistakes. That's what family is, people that love you; and you were loved by us. I hope that you knew that. So I sit here and cry, because I know that part of my family is gone. And it hurts.

I'll always remember the love, laughter, and memories you brought to our lives.You'll forever be our Krisy Kris. You'll forever be loved, and you'll forever be missed. My life was better having known you.

We love you Kris, you'll forever be in our hearts.