I've been pondering on this question for weeks now. It seems that everywhere I look someone is screaming "I'm entitled to this!" It's not always in direct words, but often in actions and thought patterns and honestly it amazes me. Where did all this entitlement come from?
My parents generation and most certainly my grandparents generation didn't have this mind set. The mind set of those generations was hard work. Yet I've watched as people that can only afford an $80,000 house attempt to purchase a $200,000 house and then get mad when it doesn't work out because "they deserve" that house. Many times when these situations happen and the bank takes something back the people that couldn't afford the home destroy it. Really? When did you become entitled to destroy something because you couldn't afford it? I don't understand the mindset.
The same mindset that occurs with the idea that every child deserves a trophy for participation. Nope. Sorry. In real life, it doesn't work that way. When I do interviews, I don't send you consolation paychecks for participating though you didn't get the job. That seems a bit ridiculous to think, but we're essentially telling our kids the same thing by rewarding them simply for participating. I'm not saying that there's not value in positive reinforcement, but can we get off of the notion that every kid deserves to be the best and particularly if it's your kid?
Mommy and Daddy are making life too easy for their kids in today's age. Helicopter parents, yep you're a problem. Let your kid fight a few battles on their own, they'll thank you later in life. Don't pay all your kid's bill when they're an adult and trying to make it on their own. They'll quickly learn what's a priority, a necessity, and a pleasure. Not that you shouldn't help your kids some if you can, but let them learn the value of making it on their own, of making tough choices, of earning what they have.
No parent wants to see their child struggling. It's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking to watch someone take your child's seat at their birthday party. I watched it happen at Maui's party with her friends this year. I watched her say that it was her seat and the other child respond that so and so told them to sit there. I could have just as easily went to that child and asked them to move because it was Maui's party and her seat, but I didn't. Why? Because it's important for her to decide what's worth fighting for and what's not. Her decision was to find another seat and enjoy the rest of her time with her friends because that chair wasn't that important. Does part of me wish she'd have said "that's my seat and it's my party?" Yep, but she didn't and I'm ok with that. That's who she is, not who I am.
I want to protect her from every negative comment, every uncomfortable situation, and every time she tries to find her worth in what others think of her or the way she looks. I want that for all of my girls. I want them to know the difference between getting walked on and making peace. I want them to know that they're worth fighting for because of the kind, beautiful, caring soul they are inside. I want them to know that they are beautiful inside and out. God made them that way. I want them to know their value in Him and not this world. I want them to know their beauty in the way He sees them, in the way Rob and I see them, not in the way the world defines beauty.
How do you do that? How do you not fight for them? Because you learn that sometimes they have to struggle to find value and determination. It's hard. It's hard for them and it's hard for you. But you do it. You do it because you won't always be around and they have to be able to survive without you. I don't want my children to not know the value of money because I've always given them everything they've asked for without working for it. I don't want them to not know how to resolve conflict because I've always fought their battles for them. What happens to them when I'm gone if I do that? Did I really make their life better? Or did I make them feel entitled and now they can't function in society because I'm not here to do it for them.
I can't wait to buy the book On Fire by John O'Leary. I was reading Hands Free Mama's blog www.handsfreemama.com from March 29, 2016 and she referenced this book. I was awe struck. I thought of the incredible strength of not only this man, but also his mother. How easy it would have been for her to take away his struggles, but she chose not to. Not because she didn't love him, but more so because she loved him and wanted him to succeed in life. She wanted him to have strength, character, and know the value of hard work.
We can choose. We can choose to do things for others and for ourselves or we can choose to have them done for us. We can choose to forgive even when it's hard or we can choose to hold a grudge. We can choose to act like we're entitled to the things of this world or we can choose to work hard for what we have and value it because we worked hard for it.
We're not entitled to forgiveness, but we often hope for and ask for it. I'm amazed at how hard Maui works to make sure she's forgiven if she thinks she's hurt someone. I'm also amazed at how willing to forgive she is if someone hurts her. Every bit of me wants to tell her something witty to say back and stand up for herself. I don't. I remind her that she's a smart beautiful girl and the things others say is a reflection of their heart, not hers. I remind her that she can choose to forgive them and prove how beautiful she is on the inside or she can let it ruin her day and they win. She chooses to forgive every time. Even when it's hard. She forgives when they haven't asked for forgiveness. She has the heart of Christ. She's not entitled to it, but she's asked for it, she's worked hard to understand it, and she believes it. It's a choice. The best one.
Parents let's do our kids a favor. Let's not let them believe that they are entitled to everything in this world just because they want it. Let's not make them think that when they just start out they deserve the life you have without working for it. I had to work to get the things I have and I most certainly don't expect my children to have it fresh out of the gate, because they haven't worked for it yet. We owe it to them to instill value in them. Value in who they are, and to take care of and value the things that they have. We owe it to them to let them work hard so they know how sweet winning is. Often you don't know how great it is until you've failed a time or two. There are very rarely consolation prizes in the adult world, let's stop giving them to our kids when they participate. When we do they gain the mindset of entitlement and that's something that isn't a favor, it's a hindrance.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Not What It Used To Be and The Little Things
I was driving to pick up the girls the other night after work and I saw a lady walking her dog. The dog was noticeably nursing. My mind went to "I bet she doesn't look like she used to" (if you know what I mean, and yes I know dogs don't really think in those terms). That then led me to the thought of well neither am I. I mean honestly, I can really relate to the dog. I may not have had a litter of puppies, but four kids make your body not quite what it once was. Bear with me, I have a point.
Many things in life aren't the same after having kids. One kid, you don't really notice much change. Two kids, some things are a little harder. Kids three and four, well let's just say nothing's like it used to be (can I find a babysitter?). Every thing changes from the things you find important to you HIGHLY adjusted definition of hygiene. Nope things aren't what they used to be.
You find time for your spouse something that's near nonexistent. The old adage you should never stop dating your spouse takes on a new meaning when you can't remember the last time you actually had a date. In my world it had been too long. Too long since we went out, focused on each other not the kids, and just enjoyed being together. I could feel it. It felt like we were drifting away and that closeness was distant, but tension was near. I hated it, I still do.
We finally had a night out the other day. It wasn't an evening that novels are made of, but it was time alone. It was time to talk and to enjoy being us, and not mom and dad. I realized from that evening, that the adage is true, you truly cannot stop dating your spouse. I don't want to wake up in seventeen years when my children are gone and not really know the person next to me. We all change and if we don't make an effort to know the person we're living with distance sneaks in and steals the love and joy that you once found in each other.
It's the little things that keeps that connection there. It's the fact that twice a day my toothbrush is made for me. That nine times out of ten, the dishes are done so it's one less thing I have to mess with when I get home. That every night, I'm held and loved, not because I deserve it, but because he overlooks the millions of shortfalls that I have and loves me anyway. I've vowed to myself to make dating my husband a priority. I need it, we need it, our kids need us to have that. Our marriage is the model that their marriages will be based on. I don't want it to be the marriage that lets obligations steal what's important. I want it to be the marriage that shows two people that have a foundation based on Jesus Christ, that work hard at being together, that make each other a priority even when it's not convenient, and love each other through it all.
My social calendar isn't what it once was. Finding time to schedule a date with a friend is like trying to pin down the exact date that Christ is coming back, darn near impossible. The evenings of hey let's grab dinner or hitting a movie at the drop of a hat are long gone. Now we try to schedule months in advance for a quick lunch or maybe a joint family dinner. However, a true friend is an amazing find. It makes the quick lunch seem like a million dollars. A well timed text that can make me crack up in the middle of a meeting can brighten my day. No, friendships and social calendars aren't what they used to be, but I imagine that I wouldn't appreciate those little things near as much without the complexity that has now become my hectic life.
Back to the dog. She reminded me that I'm not what I used to be either physically, mentally, or emotionally. Ten years ago I'd have never believed that the words "I love that you're my mama" would make my day and make my heart ache because she could never know how much more I love her. I never imagined that every little thing that each of my girls do could make me so proud. I never imagined that the girl that refused to let herself cry for years could become weepy over a commercial. My body has changed, it's softer, stretchy, some places are bigger, others are smaller. My body is definitely not what it used to be. There are parts of me that at times wishes money were no object and that flat tummy and perky chest were an option again. Then I'm reminded of the four sweet faces that made this body what it is and every time they grab my cheeks and give me a kiss and light up when they see me, I'm reminded that I'm ok the way I am. Those sweet little hands and faces are the things that matter, not me being swimming suit model material (because let's face it, even at my best, I wasn't that!).
No life definitely isn't what it used to be, it's better. It's better because I am loved more than I deserve. It's better because I've come to appreciate true friendship. It's better because I've learned and I've learned through the little things. So every day, even when I'm at my wits end (and believe me there are many that I question how the heck I made it to bed time), I remind myself how blessed I truly am. I'm loved by God, my husband, my children, my family and friends and that's more than enough.
Thank you random mama dog for reminding me that life isn't want it used to be, but it's definitely all that it's supposed to be.
Many things in life aren't the same after having kids. One kid, you don't really notice much change. Two kids, some things are a little harder. Kids three and four, well let's just say nothing's like it used to be (can I find a babysitter?). Every thing changes from the things you find important to you HIGHLY adjusted definition of hygiene. Nope things aren't what they used to be.
You find time for your spouse something that's near nonexistent. The old adage you should never stop dating your spouse takes on a new meaning when you can't remember the last time you actually had a date. In my world it had been too long. Too long since we went out, focused on each other not the kids, and just enjoyed being together. I could feel it. It felt like we were drifting away and that closeness was distant, but tension was near. I hated it, I still do.
We finally had a night out the other day. It wasn't an evening that novels are made of, but it was time alone. It was time to talk and to enjoy being us, and not mom and dad. I realized from that evening, that the adage is true, you truly cannot stop dating your spouse. I don't want to wake up in seventeen years when my children are gone and not really know the person next to me. We all change and if we don't make an effort to know the person we're living with distance sneaks in and steals the love and joy that you once found in each other.
It's the little things that keeps that connection there. It's the fact that twice a day my toothbrush is made for me. That nine times out of ten, the dishes are done so it's one less thing I have to mess with when I get home. That every night, I'm held and loved, not because I deserve it, but because he overlooks the millions of shortfalls that I have and loves me anyway. I've vowed to myself to make dating my husband a priority. I need it, we need it, our kids need us to have that. Our marriage is the model that their marriages will be based on. I don't want it to be the marriage that lets obligations steal what's important. I want it to be the marriage that shows two people that have a foundation based on Jesus Christ, that work hard at being together, that make each other a priority even when it's not convenient, and love each other through it all.
My social calendar isn't what it once was. Finding time to schedule a date with a friend is like trying to pin down the exact date that Christ is coming back, darn near impossible. The evenings of hey let's grab dinner or hitting a movie at the drop of a hat are long gone. Now we try to schedule months in advance for a quick lunch or maybe a joint family dinner. However, a true friend is an amazing find. It makes the quick lunch seem like a million dollars. A well timed text that can make me crack up in the middle of a meeting can brighten my day. No, friendships and social calendars aren't what they used to be, but I imagine that I wouldn't appreciate those little things near as much without the complexity that has now become my hectic life.
Back to the dog. She reminded me that I'm not what I used to be either physically, mentally, or emotionally. Ten years ago I'd have never believed that the words "I love that you're my mama" would make my day and make my heart ache because she could never know how much more I love her. I never imagined that every little thing that each of my girls do could make me so proud. I never imagined that the girl that refused to let herself cry for years could become weepy over a commercial. My body has changed, it's softer, stretchy, some places are bigger, others are smaller. My body is definitely not what it used to be. There are parts of me that at times wishes money were no object and that flat tummy and perky chest were an option again. Then I'm reminded of the four sweet faces that made this body what it is and every time they grab my cheeks and give me a kiss and light up when they see me, I'm reminded that I'm ok the way I am. Those sweet little hands and faces are the things that matter, not me being swimming suit model material (because let's face it, even at my best, I wasn't that!).
No life definitely isn't what it used to be, it's better. It's better because I am loved more than I deserve. It's better because I've come to appreciate true friendship. It's better because I've learned and I've learned through the little things. So every day, even when I'm at my wits end (and believe me there are many that I question how the heck I made it to bed time), I remind myself how blessed I truly am. I'm loved by God, my husband, my children, my family and friends and that's more than enough.
Thank you random mama dog for reminding me that life isn't want it used to be, but it's definitely all that it's supposed to be.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
A House Divided
The last couple of weeks have reaffirmed an important message from the Bible for me. Mark 3:25 says "If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand." Now, the ways I have felt this perhaps aren't as it was biblically meant, but the basic principle is the same. Whether at home, in the church, or at work, if those within that environment can't work for a common good, it's divided. United we stand, divided we fall.
In our house we've been fighting four sick kiddos. Sick equals no sleep. Lack of sleep means score keeping. Keeping score leads to division. See resentment is easiest found when your exhausted. Faults are easily found and nitpicking becomes easy. It's easy to count how many times you've gotten out of bed in comparison to the other. It's easy to notice that extra twenty minutes the other was in bed while you were up. It's easy for the milk in the bottom of the glass, the hair in the sink, and the Cheerios on the floor to send you over the edge. These things, just trying to survive each day, and keep seven different meds in four different kids make division easy.
At work the atmosphere is changing. Hard decisions are going to have to be made. Over the last several years we as an entire unit have been working to prepare should tough times come. The time has come. We are all aware. Working together to achieve the goal of saving money and jobs is the ultimate goal. Words get said. Works go unnoticed. Division occurs.
We have to be a team. We have to remember that we're working toward the same goal. Whether that goal is surviving crushed Cheerios and coughing until there's puke or saving jobs. The "we" has to be there. If we aren't working together, what are we doing? We simply become a house divided against itself. We may reside under one roof, but if we aren't on the same page working with mutual respect and understanding, it's never going to work.
My hope is that the words said out of exhaustion are forgiven. That the stones cast don't have ripples that last forever. That amends are made and working together for a united house resumes. We can no longer be a house divided, we have to be a house united. So here's to wiping out the sink, dumping out the milk (which despite what my husband says, I do), Cheerios getting eaten by the dog (hey he's indoor for a reason), budgets being made, and division being a thing of the past. Because a house divided against itself cannot stand.
In our house we've been fighting four sick kiddos. Sick equals no sleep. Lack of sleep means score keeping. Keeping score leads to division. See resentment is easiest found when your exhausted. Faults are easily found and nitpicking becomes easy. It's easy to count how many times you've gotten out of bed in comparison to the other. It's easy to notice that extra twenty minutes the other was in bed while you were up. It's easy for the milk in the bottom of the glass, the hair in the sink, and the Cheerios on the floor to send you over the edge. These things, just trying to survive each day, and keep seven different meds in four different kids make division easy.
At work the atmosphere is changing. Hard decisions are going to have to be made. Over the last several years we as an entire unit have been working to prepare should tough times come. The time has come. We are all aware. Working together to achieve the goal of saving money and jobs is the ultimate goal. Words get said. Works go unnoticed. Division occurs.
We have to be a team. We have to remember that we're working toward the same goal. Whether that goal is surviving crushed Cheerios and coughing until there's puke or saving jobs. The "we" has to be there. If we aren't working together, what are we doing? We simply become a house divided against itself. We may reside under one roof, but if we aren't on the same page working with mutual respect and understanding, it's never going to work.
My hope is that the words said out of exhaustion are forgiven. That the stones cast don't have ripples that last forever. That amends are made and working together for a united house resumes. We can no longer be a house divided, we have to be a house united. So here's to wiping out the sink, dumping out the milk (which despite what my husband says, I do), Cheerios getting eaten by the dog (hey he's indoor for a reason), budgets being made, and division being a thing of the past. Because a house divided against itself cannot stand.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
What I Learned From A Doughnut And A Puzzle In The Washing Machine
We've all had those days. You know the ones where you wake up and instantly know that you should go back to bed and hit the reset button (which by the way if anyone knows where to buy one of those, I NEED one). In this house, a good indication that you need to restart is when all four of your children begin the day in tears...
Normally the twins wake up crying because they're hungry (they may get that honestly). However, the older two generally wake up in decent moods. I'm still not sure what Bry's deal was for the day (perhaps it was that she only made it half way to her 10 pancakes for the day goal the day before), regardless, she woke up crying. Now Maui while not always bright eyed and bushy tailed is usually ok. Nope, not this day. Turns out her major function was wanting a caramel filled long john for breakfast. She was told no because she messed around too long to get out the door and get one. Then came the water works...
Now I'm not one to judge for crying over doughnuts. Particularly not the kind she was crying over because I may or may not have had that cry myself when I was pregnant with her (there are no substitutes for the caramel cream filled long john). She however did not have the pregnant excuse and may have taken her disappointment to the extreme.
Fast forward a bit and I make it to work. My day at work was a tad bit stressful as we're going through our annual audit and working on reports. By the time I get home, I have high hopes of playing with the kids and an easy to bed routine so I can relax.
If it weren't for hopes and dreams, I'm not sure we'd know what disappointment is. My hopes were quickly dashed with children who still seemed tear filled and resistant to sleep. Maui went to a ballgame with Rob, so one child down. Check. I take Aspen to bed and it appears I have success. Check. Nope wait....as I have Afton in arm to go to bed, I hear the blood curdling screams of Aspen. Yep, wide awake jumping up and down in her bed. Fail.
So out Aspen comes to the jumper and my attempt with Afton begins. No success. To the jumper. I'll get that laundry started I think. I dump the last hamper in the machine. Something doesn't sound right. So I dig around a little and find several obscure items that are the likely culprits of the sound. Laundry started. Check.
Bry, lets go rock. Rock, kisses, bed. Check! A few other quick chores and the laundry is done. And then I open the lid to the washing machine. Sweet baby Jesus, what is this!?
Tiny piece of cardboard are covering EVERY article of clothing. As I remove the clothes, piles of cardboard fall to the floor. About halfway through I discover that there was more to the sound than I found initially. In fact, MUCH more. An entire puzzle box (complete with all its pieces) had made its way into the older girls laundry basket along with their dirty clothes. Sigh.
So I shake out the clothes, clean up the floor and the washing machine. I pray that the dryer magically takes away the tiny pieces of cardboard so I don't have to rewash all of the clothes (side note, it did). Then I get back to the twins. Exhaustion has FINALLY hit them. One is out in the jumper, the other barely hanging on. I seize the opportunity and grab the one that's awake. Bottle, rocking, kisses, bed. Check! Baby number two. So out of it that she just goes straight to bed! Score for mommy! Check!
The take away from all this? Because as I said, I did learn a few things from all this (besides that if I were a drinker, I'd have needed a stiff drink that night).
Lesson 1: Some days are just going to be rough. When you get to the end of the day, you just thank God that everyday isn't like that one. It certainly makes you appreciate the days that are less traumatic.
Lesson 2: If something doesn't sound right, it's probably not. Dig a little deeper. Don't take things at surface value, you're likely to find more if you continue to look.
Lesson 3: Sometimes the pieces aren't going to fit back together. Those times, you clean up the mess, cry or laugh if you need to, and move on with the knowledge that it will get better.
Lesson 4: Sometimes you have to just throw it all away and start over with something new. The puzzle was lost. I threw it away and we'll get a new one. The following day I was fortunate enough to speak to our CEO class. For a group of young kids, they got this one. As each tried to plan their own successful business, I heard many of them say that their initial one wasn't going to work so they started over. It isn't always easy, especially when you've invested a lot in something, but in the end it sometimes just makes more sense.
Lesson 5: The doughnut. Sometimes you know what you want and when you can't have it, it's hard. That's true I think regardless of age. A doughnut may seem trivial, but if you have your heart set on something the disappointment is just as great.
Lesson 6: The next day I took Maui to get that doughnut (with a much speedier resolve and chipper attitude). When I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye, she was wearing some of the caramel icing. It's those hugs and kisses that make life a little sweeter. Life is sweet, we just have to look for the sweetness in the little things.
Lesson 7: Life is messy. From the puzzle to the doughnut, both left a mess. One I appreciated more than the other, but both served a purpose. The puzzle reminded me that I have to laugh at this crazy journey or else I'll lose it. It taught me that messes can be cleaned up, but hearts can't. No child was in trouble for the puzzle in the washing machine, mommy should have looked closer. If I'd have blamed them and yelled instead of taking responsibility for my part, I'd have had two broken little hearts. The doughnut the mess is sweet. It's the smiles, the yumminess, the happiness and the "thanks mama" that gets me every time. I hope that I never get to busy or lost in myself to appreciate those messes.
Lesson 8: Tired kids and tired mamas make for a long night. I find myself remembering that this too will go too quickly and I'll wish for it back. So despite the lack of sleep and the frustration that comes from not getting enough, I'll do my best to remember how sweet they are as I get to rock them, hold them, and kiss them for one day they'll be too big.
Life isn't always easy. It's not always pretty. There are days you just have to hang it up and say I tried. But part of this journey is learning to find the up in the downs. Was it the worst day of my life? No not by a long shot. But it was definitely trying. I want to remember the lessons from that day because I know that another one will come along and I'll have to look for the same bright spots.
Normally the twins wake up crying because they're hungry (they may get that honestly). However, the older two generally wake up in decent moods. I'm still not sure what Bry's deal was for the day (perhaps it was that she only made it half way to her 10 pancakes for the day goal the day before), regardless, she woke up crying. Now Maui while not always bright eyed and bushy tailed is usually ok. Nope, not this day. Turns out her major function was wanting a caramel filled long john for breakfast. She was told no because she messed around too long to get out the door and get one. Then came the water works...
Now I'm not one to judge for crying over doughnuts. Particularly not the kind she was crying over because I may or may not have had that cry myself when I was pregnant with her (there are no substitutes for the caramel cream filled long john). She however did not have the pregnant excuse and may have taken her disappointment to the extreme.
Fast forward a bit and I make it to work. My day at work was a tad bit stressful as we're going through our annual audit and working on reports. By the time I get home, I have high hopes of playing with the kids and an easy to bed routine so I can relax.
If it weren't for hopes and dreams, I'm not sure we'd know what disappointment is. My hopes were quickly dashed with children who still seemed tear filled and resistant to sleep. Maui went to a ballgame with Rob, so one child down. Check. I take Aspen to bed and it appears I have success. Check. Nope wait....as I have Afton in arm to go to bed, I hear the blood curdling screams of Aspen. Yep, wide awake jumping up and down in her bed. Fail.
So out Aspen comes to the jumper and my attempt with Afton begins. No success. To the jumper. I'll get that laundry started I think. I dump the last hamper in the machine. Something doesn't sound right. So I dig around a little and find several obscure items that are the likely culprits of the sound. Laundry started. Check.
Bry, lets go rock. Rock, kisses, bed. Check! A few other quick chores and the laundry is done. And then I open the lid to the washing machine. Sweet baby Jesus, what is this!?
Tiny piece of cardboard are covering EVERY article of clothing. As I remove the clothes, piles of cardboard fall to the floor. About halfway through I discover that there was more to the sound than I found initially. In fact, MUCH more. An entire puzzle box (complete with all its pieces) had made its way into the older girls laundry basket along with their dirty clothes. Sigh.
So I shake out the clothes, clean up the floor and the washing machine. I pray that the dryer magically takes away the tiny pieces of cardboard so I don't have to rewash all of the clothes (side note, it did). Then I get back to the twins. Exhaustion has FINALLY hit them. One is out in the jumper, the other barely hanging on. I seize the opportunity and grab the one that's awake. Bottle, rocking, kisses, bed. Check! Baby number two. So out of it that she just goes straight to bed! Score for mommy! Check!
The take away from all this? Because as I said, I did learn a few things from all this (besides that if I were a drinker, I'd have needed a stiff drink that night).
Lesson 1: Some days are just going to be rough. When you get to the end of the day, you just thank God that everyday isn't like that one. It certainly makes you appreciate the days that are less traumatic.
Lesson 2: If something doesn't sound right, it's probably not. Dig a little deeper. Don't take things at surface value, you're likely to find more if you continue to look.
Lesson 3: Sometimes the pieces aren't going to fit back together. Those times, you clean up the mess, cry or laugh if you need to, and move on with the knowledge that it will get better.
Lesson 4: Sometimes you have to just throw it all away and start over with something new. The puzzle was lost. I threw it away and we'll get a new one. The following day I was fortunate enough to speak to our CEO class. For a group of young kids, they got this one. As each tried to plan their own successful business, I heard many of them say that their initial one wasn't going to work so they started over. It isn't always easy, especially when you've invested a lot in something, but in the end it sometimes just makes more sense.
Lesson 5: The doughnut. Sometimes you know what you want and when you can't have it, it's hard. That's true I think regardless of age. A doughnut may seem trivial, but if you have your heart set on something the disappointment is just as great.
Lesson 6: The next day I took Maui to get that doughnut (with a much speedier resolve and chipper attitude). When I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye, she was wearing some of the caramel icing. It's those hugs and kisses that make life a little sweeter. Life is sweet, we just have to look for the sweetness in the little things.
Lesson 7: Life is messy. From the puzzle to the doughnut, both left a mess. One I appreciated more than the other, but both served a purpose. The puzzle reminded me that I have to laugh at this crazy journey or else I'll lose it. It taught me that messes can be cleaned up, but hearts can't. No child was in trouble for the puzzle in the washing machine, mommy should have looked closer. If I'd have blamed them and yelled instead of taking responsibility for my part, I'd have had two broken little hearts. The doughnut the mess is sweet. It's the smiles, the yumminess, the happiness and the "thanks mama" that gets me every time. I hope that I never get to busy or lost in myself to appreciate those messes.
Lesson 8: Tired kids and tired mamas make for a long night. I find myself remembering that this too will go too quickly and I'll wish for it back. So despite the lack of sleep and the frustration that comes from not getting enough, I'll do my best to remember how sweet they are as I get to rock them, hold them, and kiss them for one day they'll be too big.
Life isn't always easy. It's not always pretty. There are days you just have to hang it up and say I tried. But part of this journey is learning to find the up in the downs. Was it the worst day of my life? No not by a long shot. But it was definitely trying. I want to remember the lessons from that day because I know that another one will come along and I'll have to look for the same bright spots.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
What If Its ALL Just A House of Cards?
What if:
*Her mom is battling cancer again?
*Her picture perfect marriage isn't really all it seems?
*Her life looks perfect from the outside, but in reality its not?
*She doesn't really have anyone she can talk to?
*She's helping to pay someone else's bills and doesn't have the extra money for "things?"
*She's fighting for custody of her kids?
*She has to look "together" all the time for her job?
*She struggles with feeling like she's not enough?
*She needs to and wants to know she's needed and important?
*She has a desire to do or be more?
*What she's doing right now is the absolute best that she can?
*She's up at 5:00 a.m. after going to bed at midnight, and can't "just set aside 30 minutes for that workout?"
*She doesn't feel like she fits in?
The list of what if's could go on and on. If you knew all these things would you treat her differently?What if all that she seems from the outside is just a house of cards that feels like it could crumble at any given moment? Could you handle her reality? How would you react? Could she trust you not to judge her and treat her differently if she were this honest with you?
I'm working on being more real, letting the world see my "house of cards." Some of the things above are about me, some of them aren't. However, I'm scared. Scared that I'll be judged. Afraid that I'll be deemed less capable. Being raw and honest is the opposite of what we're taught in today's society, particularly in jobs that put us in the public eye, and social media that makes us feel the need to "keep up with the Joneses."
I'm not a perfect wife, mom, boss, sister, friend, daughter, the list goes on and on. I try, but I struggle. I struggle to ask for help because I don't want to be seen as less. I struggle to find trust in someone else not to judge the me for my fears. When did our worth start hanging on the deeds that we do and how full our plate is?
We all have our own house of cards. The wind could blow and make us feel that our whole world will fall just like those cards. Everyone is fighting a battle of some sort. As a society could we acknowledge that? Could we stop judging each other based on those battles? Instead can we embrace that struggles exist and we need each other to make it through them?
I'm currently reading Jill Savage's book Better Together. The book details why we need each other particularly as moms, but it's applicable to so many of our relationships. We really are "better together." We really do need each other. God made us to be companions and champions for one another. We each can easily find our own faults. Let's work on building each other up instead of being the wind that knocks over that house of cards.
*Her mom is battling cancer again?
*Her picture perfect marriage isn't really all it seems?
*Her life looks perfect from the outside, but in reality its not?
*She doesn't really have anyone she can talk to?
*She's helping to pay someone else's bills and doesn't have the extra money for "things?"
*She's fighting for custody of her kids?
*She has to look "together" all the time for her job?
*She struggles with feeling like she's not enough?
*She needs to and wants to know she's needed and important?
*She has a desire to do or be more?
*What she's doing right now is the absolute best that she can?
*She's up at 5:00 a.m. after going to bed at midnight, and can't "just set aside 30 minutes for that workout?"
*She doesn't feel like she fits in?
The list of what if's could go on and on. If you knew all these things would you treat her differently?What if all that she seems from the outside is just a house of cards that feels like it could crumble at any given moment? Could you handle her reality? How would you react? Could she trust you not to judge her and treat her differently if she were this honest with you?
I'm working on being more real, letting the world see my "house of cards." Some of the things above are about me, some of them aren't. However, I'm scared. Scared that I'll be judged. Afraid that I'll be deemed less capable. Being raw and honest is the opposite of what we're taught in today's society, particularly in jobs that put us in the public eye, and social media that makes us feel the need to "keep up with the Joneses."
I'm not a perfect wife, mom, boss, sister, friend, daughter, the list goes on and on. I try, but I struggle. I struggle to ask for help because I don't want to be seen as less. I struggle to find trust in someone else not to judge the me for my fears. When did our worth start hanging on the deeds that we do and how full our plate is?
We all have our own house of cards. The wind could blow and make us feel that our whole world will fall just like those cards. Everyone is fighting a battle of some sort. As a society could we acknowledge that? Could we stop judging each other based on those battles? Instead can we embrace that struggles exist and we need each other to make it through them?
I'm currently reading Jill Savage's book Better Together. The book details why we need each other particularly as moms, but it's applicable to so many of our relationships. We really are "better together." We really do need each other. God made us to be companions and champions for one another. We each can easily find our own faults. Let's work on building each other up instead of being the wind that knocks over that house of cards.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
But I Want a Different Consequence!
Originally this blog was going to be called "Parenting At Its Best: A Maui-ism." However, a few days and an unexpected surgery later gave me a time to think things over and gain a new perspective.
Last week, Rob and I had been discussing with Maui the importance of keeping her attitude and sassiness in check. Now Maui is a good kid, but every once in a while, her sass gets the best of her (she may or may not get that honestly). We had been over with her what was expected in her behavior and what the consequences were should she not meet those expectations. The next night, from a room away, I hear the sass coming through in her conversation with my mom. So I called her in, told her to brush her teeth and go to bed. Mind you this was the consequence that was explained to her the night before.
She brushes her teeth and goes to her room. Not three minutes later, the drama and bellowing begin. Imagine in your most overdramatic, bellowing, sobbing, seven year old voice through a closed door "Mooooom!!! Why can't I have a different consequence?" "I want a different house!" "I want a different consequence! MOOOOOOM!!" Well you get the idea of how this was going down. So being the good parent that I am, I let this continue for a while thinking ignoring it would help it subside. It lasted long enough that I had to go in there to calm her down so I could put the twins to bed.
Here's how that conversation went: "Maui you're going to have to calm down so that I can put the other kids to bed." "But Mom, (through hysterical sobs) why can't I have a different consequence? Why can't you just spank my butt or something?" As I try to maintain my composure, I explain that if she got to pick her consequence then it really wouldn't be a punishment and that's how consequences work. I explained that you know what's expected, and when you chose to do something outside of those expectations, then you have to deal with the consequences.
She eventually settles down and apologizes later in the evening. I pat myself on the back, thinking that this is parenting done right. You've found a way to get through to curtail an undesired behavior and found a punishment that she doesn't enjoy-- Good job Holly, you did it!
And that's where this was going to end. Then a few days of downtime was handed to me and I got to thinking...Thinking how often as an adult does that happen to me? How often do I make a choice and then try to negotiate a different consequence from the one that I got? More times than not, I know what the consequence will be before I act and yet I choose what makes me happy short term instead.
It's easy. It's in the small things and big things in life. How easy for us is it to skip tithing because we really wanted to do something else with that money? How easy is it for us to watch tv or play on our phone instead of spending time playing on the floor with our kids? How often do we let our emotions control what we say instead of being careful with our words because we know the easiest way to cut someone to the quick?
Just like our children, we know what's expected of us. We know the expectations that God has for us, particularly those of us that are Christ-followers. We know right from wrong. Yet many times we chose the instant gratification and then later are left saying "but I want a different consequence!"
Much like I try to instill values into my children and guide them down the right path, I've been taught the same lessons by my Heavenly Father. Too often I find myself asking for a different consequence. But just as I know that the consequences that I've given my child are shaping her, His consequences are shaping me. And that my friends is parenting done right.
Last week, Rob and I had been discussing with Maui the importance of keeping her attitude and sassiness in check. Now Maui is a good kid, but every once in a while, her sass gets the best of her (she may or may not get that honestly). We had been over with her what was expected in her behavior and what the consequences were should she not meet those expectations. The next night, from a room away, I hear the sass coming through in her conversation with my mom. So I called her in, told her to brush her teeth and go to bed. Mind you this was the consequence that was explained to her the night before.
She brushes her teeth and goes to her room. Not three minutes later, the drama and bellowing begin. Imagine in your most overdramatic, bellowing, sobbing, seven year old voice through a closed door "Mooooom!!! Why can't I have a different consequence?" "I want a different house!" "I want a different consequence! MOOOOOOM!!" Well you get the idea of how this was going down. So being the good parent that I am, I let this continue for a while thinking ignoring it would help it subside. It lasted long enough that I had to go in there to calm her down so I could put the twins to bed.
Here's how that conversation went: "Maui you're going to have to calm down so that I can put the other kids to bed." "But Mom, (through hysterical sobs) why can't I have a different consequence? Why can't you just spank my butt or something?" As I try to maintain my composure, I explain that if she got to pick her consequence then it really wouldn't be a punishment and that's how consequences work. I explained that you know what's expected, and when you chose to do something outside of those expectations, then you have to deal with the consequences.
She eventually settles down and apologizes later in the evening. I pat myself on the back, thinking that this is parenting done right. You've found a way to get through to curtail an undesired behavior and found a punishment that she doesn't enjoy-- Good job Holly, you did it!
And that's where this was going to end. Then a few days of downtime was handed to me and I got to thinking...Thinking how often as an adult does that happen to me? How often do I make a choice and then try to negotiate a different consequence from the one that I got? More times than not, I know what the consequence will be before I act and yet I choose what makes me happy short term instead.
It's easy. It's in the small things and big things in life. How easy for us is it to skip tithing because we really wanted to do something else with that money? How easy is it for us to watch tv or play on our phone instead of spending time playing on the floor with our kids? How often do we let our emotions control what we say instead of being careful with our words because we know the easiest way to cut someone to the quick?
Just like our children, we know what's expected of us. We know the expectations that God has for us, particularly those of us that are Christ-followers. We know right from wrong. Yet many times we chose the instant gratification and then later are left saying "but I want a different consequence!"
Much like I try to instill values into my children and guide them down the right path, I've been taught the same lessons by my Heavenly Father. Too often I find myself asking for a different consequence. But just as I know that the consequences that I've given my child are shaping her, His consequences are shaping me. And that my friends is parenting done right.
Monday, January 11, 2016
What Does a Mom of Multiples (or any mom) Need?
When you find out your pregnant, the offers for help roll in; and then the babies come. The first month people are in and out with food (which don't get me wrong is MUCH appreciated). Visitors slack off and then it's you, your husband, your dog, and four kids trying to figure out how to survive. And let's be honest, survive is really all that you're doing. Your mantra becomes "just get through today." Why? Because it's hard, really freaking hard! See not only are you trying to figure out how to deal with TWO babies that want to nurse, want snuggled, and want your attention, but you also have two older children wanting to play, to color, to snuggle, and to feel important. You? What do you want? You want ALL of those things, but really you want SLEEP! Sleep, a shower, and ten minutes to yourself. You want each one of your children to curl up in your lap so that they know that they are your world and nothing is more important than them. So you try, then a baby cries, something spills, homework has to be done...reality hits.
So what does a mom of multiples or any mom need? We need to know we're not forgotten. After the first couple months, everyone assumes you're good. Guess what? Nope, I need you! I need friendship, I need to know that just because I'm playing this mommy role that someone still cares enough about me and our relationship to check in. I need friendships that text and ask what I'm doing and when I say nothing, they show up and say "go sleep, I've got this" or "grab your hubby and leave." Wanna guess how often that happens for someone with four kids? You guessed right, approximately never.
What this has shown me is how crappy of a friend I've been in the past. See I had the same thoughts, eh they've got this figured out by now. My friends, I'm sorry. I should have checked in just to let you know I was thinking about you. I should have showed up and made you sleep, or leave or shower so you feel human again. And in the future, I'll do better. I'll do better because I get it now. It took having twins to get it, but I get it.
I've now survived the first year of having multiples, and I find that I'm still longing for and missing the same things. Is it a little easier? Yes, but now the hard is different. It's different because for me to go somewhere that involves loading and unloading four kids in four car seats. It's different because now we need to stick to our schedules so what little bit of sanity remains is still there after bedtime. I want to come to your parties, I want to go to a movie (with you or my husband), but if it's after six o'clock, it's probably not going to happen.
God helps us to weather our storms. I know that this season of life will pass more quickly than I'd like. The days are oh so long (and lots of them are freaking hard), but the years really are short. Don't forget that mama that you used to spend time with. Being her friend may pose a few more obstacles now than before, but she needs you now more than ever.
So what does a mom of multiples or any mom need? We need to know we're not forgotten. After the first couple months, everyone assumes you're good. Guess what? Nope, I need you! I need friendship, I need to know that just because I'm playing this mommy role that someone still cares enough about me and our relationship to check in. I need friendships that text and ask what I'm doing and when I say nothing, they show up and say "go sleep, I've got this" or "grab your hubby and leave." Wanna guess how often that happens for someone with four kids? You guessed right, approximately never.
What this has shown me is how crappy of a friend I've been in the past. See I had the same thoughts, eh they've got this figured out by now. My friends, I'm sorry. I should have checked in just to let you know I was thinking about you. I should have showed up and made you sleep, or leave or shower so you feel human again. And in the future, I'll do better. I'll do better because I get it now. It took having twins to get it, but I get it.
I've now survived the first year of having multiples, and I find that I'm still longing for and missing the same things. Is it a little easier? Yes, but now the hard is different. It's different because for me to go somewhere that involves loading and unloading four kids in four car seats. It's different because now we need to stick to our schedules so what little bit of sanity remains is still there after bedtime. I want to come to your parties, I want to go to a movie (with you or my husband), but if it's after six o'clock, it's probably not going to happen.
God helps us to weather our storms. I know that this season of life will pass more quickly than I'd like. The days are oh so long (and lots of them are freaking hard), but the years really are short. Don't forget that mama that you used to spend time with. Being her friend may pose a few more obstacles now than before, but she needs you now more than ever.
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