I've been pondering on this question for weeks now. It seems that everywhere I look someone is screaming "I'm entitled to this!" It's not always in direct words, but often in actions and thought patterns and honestly it amazes me. Where did all this entitlement come from?
My parents generation and most certainly my grandparents generation didn't have this mind set. The mind set of those generations was hard work. Yet I've watched as people that can only afford an $80,000 house attempt to purchase a $200,000 house and then get mad when it doesn't work out because "they deserve" that house. Many times when these situations happen and the bank takes something back the people that couldn't afford the home destroy it. Really? When did you become entitled to destroy something because you couldn't afford it? I don't understand the mindset.
The same mindset that occurs with the idea that every child deserves a trophy for participation. Nope. Sorry. In real life, it doesn't work that way. When I do interviews, I don't send you consolation paychecks for participating though you didn't get the job. That seems a bit ridiculous to think, but we're essentially telling our kids the same thing by rewarding them simply for participating. I'm not saying that there's not value in positive reinforcement, but can we get off of the notion that every kid deserves to be the best and particularly if it's your kid?
Mommy and Daddy are making life too easy for their kids in today's age. Helicopter parents, yep you're a problem. Let your kid fight a few battles on their own, they'll thank you later in life. Don't pay all your kid's bill when they're an adult and trying to make it on their own. They'll quickly learn what's a priority, a necessity, and a pleasure. Not that you shouldn't help your kids some if you can, but let them learn the value of making it on their own, of making tough choices, of earning what they have.
No parent wants to see their child struggling. It's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking to watch someone take your child's seat at their birthday party. I watched it happen at Maui's party with her friends this year. I watched her say that it was her seat and the other child respond that so and so told them to sit there. I could have just as easily went to that child and asked them to move because it was Maui's party and her seat, but I didn't. Why? Because it's important for her to decide what's worth fighting for and what's not. Her decision was to find another seat and enjoy the rest of her time with her friends because that chair wasn't that important. Does part of me wish she'd have said "that's my seat and it's my party?" Yep, but she didn't and I'm ok with that. That's who she is, not who I am.
I want to protect her from every negative comment, every uncomfortable situation, and every time she tries to find her worth in what others think of her or the way she looks. I want that for all of my girls. I want them to know the difference between getting walked on and making peace. I want them to know that they're worth fighting for because of the kind, beautiful, caring soul they are inside. I want them to know that they are beautiful inside and out. God made them that way. I want them to know their value in Him and not this world. I want them to know their beauty in the way He sees them, in the way Rob and I see them, not in the way the world defines beauty.
How do you do that? How do you not fight for them? Because you learn that sometimes they have to struggle to find value and determination. It's hard. It's hard for them and it's hard for you. But you do it. You do it because you won't always be around and they have to be able to survive without you. I don't want my children to not know the value of money because I've always given them everything they've asked for without working for it. I don't want them to not know how to resolve conflict because I've always fought their battles for them. What happens to them when I'm gone if I do that? Did I really make their life better? Or did I make them feel entitled and now they can't function in society because I'm not here to do it for them.
I can't wait to buy the book On Fire by John O'Leary. I was reading Hands Free Mama's blog www.handsfreemama.com from March 29, 2016 and she referenced this book. I was awe struck. I thought of the incredible strength of not only this man, but also his mother. How easy it would have been for her to take away his struggles, but she chose not to. Not because she didn't love him, but more so because she loved him and wanted him to succeed in life. She wanted him to have strength, character, and know the value of hard work.
We can choose. We can choose to do things for others and for ourselves or we can choose to have them done for us. We can choose to forgive even when it's hard or we can choose to hold a grudge. We can choose to act like we're entitled to the things of this world or we can choose to work hard for what we have and value it because we worked hard for it.
We're not entitled to forgiveness, but we often hope for and ask for it. I'm amazed at how hard Maui works to make sure she's forgiven if she thinks she's hurt someone. I'm also amazed at how willing to forgive she is if someone hurts her. Every bit of me wants to tell her something witty to say back and stand up for herself. I don't. I remind her that she's a smart beautiful girl and the things others say is a reflection of their heart, not hers. I remind her that she can choose to forgive them and prove how beautiful she is on the inside or she can let it ruin her day and they win. She chooses to forgive every time. Even when it's hard. She forgives when they haven't asked for forgiveness. She has the heart of Christ. She's not entitled to it, but she's asked for it, she's worked hard to understand it, and she believes it. It's a choice. The best one.
Parents let's do our kids a favor. Let's not let them believe that they are entitled to everything in this world just because they want it. Let's not make them think that when they just start out they deserve the life you have without working for it. I had to work to get the things I have and I most certainly don't expect my children to have it fresh out of the gate, because they haven't worked for it yet. We owe it to them to instill value in them. Value in who they are, and to take care of and value the things that they have. We owe it to them to let them work hard so they know how sweet winning is. Often you don't know how great it is until you've failed a time or two. There are very rarely consolation prizes in the adult world, let's stop giving them to our kids when they participate. When we do they gain the mindset of entitlement and that's something that isn't a favor, it's a hindrance.
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