This is hard to write about. In fact, the story I'm going to share, I've never shared with anyone before; not my husband, my best friend, or my mom. Why? Shame and fear of judgment. However, the Stanford rape victim gave me the courage and reminder that I needed, that some secrets aren't meant to be kept. This is my story:
I was in college. I knew "Kenny." He was popular, fun, played sports, had an outgoing personality, and a head full of crazy hair. We had flirted. One night at a party at a house off campus, we met up. We all were drinking and having a good time. That's about where I stopped remembering the fun or much of anything.
I remember waking up and being in an upstairs bedroom (I assume it was his). I remember him being next to me. I remember him getting on top of me. I remember telling him no. I also remember that not mattering. I didn't fight. Honestly, I don't know that I had the coordination to do so had I tried. I remember waiting for him to fall asleep after he finished so I could leave.
I went to the restroom before I left and hoped to find the tampon that I knew I had been wearing. I couldn't. I remember going down the stairs in the dawn hours and trying to reorient myself with where I was so I could walk back to my dorm room. I remember my pants being wet between my legs. I remember being cold. I remember hoping I could walk fast enough that no one would see me. I remember being embarrassed at the thought of someone seeing me like that; hungover, dirty, blood soaked, cold, disoriented.
It took two day before I found the tampon that I knew I had been wearing. Thank God I didn't get TSS from it being in me for that long. Yes, two days it took for my body to expel it because someone had sex with me after I said no. I never said anything to anyone.
Blackburn was a small campus so it's not like I never saw "Kenny." We hung out with some of the same people. I acted like everything was ok and so did he. People thought we'd slept together, I never corrected them with the truth. I've never forgotten the truth about that night though.
That's my story. Why didn't I ever say anything? There are many reasons. I felt embarrassed. I tried to justify it by asking myself "if I hadn't been drunk and on my period would I have had sex with him had the opportunity been there?" and the answer would have probably been yes. I chalked it up to me having too much to drink. Those are all problems. The truth is, it didn't matter what excuse I came up with to try to justify his actions, he was wrong. I said no.
People that know me will probably have a hard time believing that I let this sleeping dog lie. I'm more of a fight for yourself and stand up for what you believe in kind of person, not the keep things quite to protect someone else type. So why now? Why share this story from fourteen years ago now? I have nothing to gain from it.
The answer is easy and it took the courage of another person to remind me. I did nothing wrong. I have a right to say no and have that matter. I hope that by me sharing my story that some other girl/woman out there has the courage to share hers and not hold it as a secret that stirs in the back corners of her mind for years. I hope that she in fact, never keeps it a secret, but rather speaks out as soon as it happens.
I hope that boys/men hear that no matter what state someone is in, if she says no, it means no. I hope that we can rise up as a society and not justify the actions of the one that violated someone else. I hope that we can stop questioning the characteristics of the victim and the situations that "she put herself in." I hope that we can stop changing the way we see and judge rape victims. I'm guessing that when you look at me, that's not what you see. That's not what I want you too see. But that doesn't change the fact that that's what I am.
To the beautiful Stanford rape victim, thank you. Thank you for being courageous enough to tell your story. Thank you for reminding me of my worth. Thank you for reminding me that though I may have made poor choices that evening, it still doesn't make what happened to me right. Thank you for giving me the courage to speak out against something that I should have never kept hidden.
To the other women out there, don't be like me. Don't keep it hidden. Speak out. Be an advocate. Do it so it doesn't happen to someone else. Men aren't entitled to our bodies just because we've had too much to drink. Don't let that sense of entitlement continue to win.
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