This year, I was hoping for the call that said everything was ok. I was hoping and praying against what the numbers were telling us, that everything was a-ok. I just knew that because it was our anniversary that we were going to get happy news. Unfortunately, cancer doesn't care what the day is or who the person is.
Cancer. It's the ugliest, scariest, most uncertain "c" word around. When Rob called to tell me that the doctor said he had prostate cancer, I felt like I'd been sucker punched in the gut. Mostly certainly not the news I was hoping for. So I did what I do and said "it's going to be alright, at least we know what we're dealing with."
The people we told always responded with sympathy, and usually with "it's one of the most treatable cancers" or "it's very treatable." Those things are true and I know that they are meant to be encouraging, but regardless, that doesn't change the fact that it sucks and it's scary. And I found myself putting on a brave front to support their reaction, so I always said "that's the good news, it is. The success rate is high." It seemed simpler than saying "hey can you wallow here in pity land for a minute."
Scary. It's hard for me to say "I'm scared." It took me over a month to admit that. I really thought that Rob just needed me to be strong. Little did I know that my facade was eating me alive. Because the world that I ultimately know that I have no control over, but go about acting like I do, was slipping through my fingers with uncertainty. The uncertainty created a whole world of fear that I have never experienced before.
Every spiraling thought about Rob and life without him has come into my mind. That led me to how any and all of this effects my kids. Basically every rabbit hole that I've never allowed myself to explore, fear found a way to extract. I don't live my life in fear, because most days, I know who I am and who has control of my life...and it's not me. But for the last month, fear shook me.
See during this month, though I was praying to my God that I KNOW is bigger than anything, I was still letting Satan sneak in. Why though? The best I can come up with is because it really and truly is out of my control. I have no control over the outcome of Rob's surgery. I have no control of how long I get to keep him or my girls. And though I've always known that, it's slapping me in the face, breaking my heart and terrifying me. Mostly because I honestly can't imagine my life without any piece of that puzzle, we all fit together.
After I finally admitted it, admitted I was scared, things changed. Fear doesn't grip me. Now don't get me wrong, I still worry some, but it doesn't consume me. Instead I'm clinging to the truth I know and remembering to remind myself "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You" Psalm 56:3. My God is bigger than any "c" word and I'm claiming His promise for Rob.
As with most of the trials I share, I know that this is just part of our story. A story that someone else will benefit from somewhere down the line. Do I hate that this is part of our story? Yes, absolutely. But, I also believe that God has a plan, a plan for victory, recovery, and healing.
So while it's part of our story now, I know that years down the road, it'll just be another chapter in our book. A chapter that isn't my favorite, but one that shows our kids that God is bigger and we can overcome anything that is thrown our way. It's a chapter that someone else may need a page from, an ear to talk to, or a shoulder to lean on and it comes from us.
For now, I'm soaking up every second I know that I have and remembering that nothing is promised. I'm holding things a little tighter and prioritizing a little more than usual. If there's one thing that the ugly "c" word does, it reminds us to cling a little more to the things we love. And this guy and these girls are my whole wide world
I'll continue to thank God for every second I have with them for as long as he lets me stay here.
**If you are going through a situation that seems scary, know that there are others that are here and willing to talk. Don't be afraid to reach out. I'm so grateful to those that shared their experiences with us**
No comments:
Post a Comment